The Optimistic Depressive

(Part 2 of a 10-part series on the character traits of happy people)

I remember nothing else about one conversation I had with my mother during my teen years except her admonishment, “You and your sister need to take off your Optimistic Depressiverose-colored glasses!” I don’t remember what the context was or what my sister and I were being so obstinately optimistic about. But I do remember what she said because it was a pretty clear encapsulation of her attitude. At the time I was angry, and I vowed that I wouldn’t let her make me as bitter or pessimistic as she was (“I’m not gonna let her drag me down with her!” I believe was how my dramatic teen-self put it).

Fast forward 20 or so years, and my 4-year-old is telling me that he wants to set up a stand outside our house and sell his paperclips. He’d been collecting paperclips for about a year, pilfering them off of our desks or occasionally finding them in parking lots (and don’t even try telling me that I shouldn’t have let him pick them up. His obsession with paperclips followed an even more intense obsession with license plates and I was just glad there were fewer paperclips than license plates to slow us down in the parking lot at Target).

So he wants to sell paperclips to make a little money. I say, “Gee, A., that’s a really interesting idea, but first off, we don’t have a lot of foot traffic in front of our house, and I’m not sure people in the neighborhood really need paperclips.” He stared at me for about 10 seconds, then went to his room, pulled out his little laundry basket, took it and his paperclips outside and set up shop. I, of course, was worried that he would be terribly disappointed when no one came to buy his paperclips.

This is what happened next (It’s long, but the first minute gives you an idea of the enthusiastic reception):

This is all  to explain that I come by pessimism honestly. I now understand that my mother wasn’t trying to “drag me down” – she just didn’t want me to be as disappointed by life as she had been. I was trying to protect A. from disappointment, and fortunately, he didn’t listen to me. (Back in the 90’s, I also thought texting would never catch on, so clearly he’s a wise boy).

We have many choices in life and one of the most important choices we make is how we approach our lives – are they half-empty, or are they half-full?

So many people go through life afraid of being disappointed. They’re afraid that if they are optimistic, they’ll be proven to be a fool. There’s even a train of thought in depression research that suggests that depressed people are actually more in touch with reality than non-depressed people.

I don’t think optimism is about denying life’s disappointments, or even failures. I also don’t think it’s about being relentlessly cheerful in the face of real pain. That’s just annoying. What it is about is realizing that while pain is inevitable, some suffering is optional. It’s about realizing that we have some choices about lingering in our pain, or taking action to change it.

When I was in the middle of a fairly deep depression, I remember praying, “God apparently I have to be here right now because nothing I’ve tried to alleviate this depression has worked, so, fine. Just please, please let me not miss the opportunity to climb out of it.” It was the most optimistic prayer I could think of at that time of life, and I really believe the willingness to tolerate the pain but also the intention to leave it behind, when that became possible, is what saved me. I call this my “Optimistic Depressive” attitude.

Optimism is about realizing that while really ecstatic states of being are temporary, so are really desperate states of being. Change is constant, and our job is to appreciate the ups and to tolerate the downs. It’s realizing that while a heat wave in San Francisco might be a harbinger of climate change, the fog always returns and cools things down eventually.

Optimism is about appreciating and feeling gratitude for all the blessings we have, because even though life throws some crazy stuff at us, it also throws inexplicable beauty and kindness and things that feel good – like clean sheets, puffy socks and the smell of cinnamon. It’s being like Velcro to the good things and Teflon to the bad stuff, instead of vice versa.

It’s not easy, at all. But even a pessimist can be trained to be optimistic – I’m living proof. Optimism is one of the pillars of Positive Psychology, and I’ll be writing about it more in the weeks to come, so stay tuned.

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Anniemac says:

    So well said, Colleen! During several deep depressive episodes, I would try to explain that I loved life, my great family, my adorable children, etc., but that was not enough to pull me out of the abyss! I patiently said things like, “No, I’m not angry with you; no, the I love this weather; no, I don’t hate everything. I have a mood disorder!” Thankfully, I held on to my optimism and thanks to medication, I no longer have to prove my sunny outlook on life.

    • admin says:

      Thank goodness for medication when you need it, right Annie? I like to think of it as clearing away the clouds so my brain can get back to its normal, cheerful self.

  2. Sharon McCarthy Dean says:

    Colleen, so nice to know that you have prevailed. Those of us who’ve struggled w/clinical depression can relate so well, and yet it’s so hard to explain to anyone else. You were always such a sunny little girl, and you had a challenging mom with whom to grow up. Hooray for you for seeing the optimist in your sons.

    • admin says:

      Oh, thank you so much, Sharon. It is very hard for people who haven’t been through it to understand how debilitating it is, and that while our attitude about it might be a choice, the depression itself is not something we’d ever choose.

  3. Ann Becker-Schutte says:

    Colleen,

    That is a fantastic explanation of how you can hold paradoxical realities. And, I think your parenting lesson is an important one for all of us. We can’t avoid all pain, and sometimes trying to avoid pain means we miss opportunities. Thank you for sharing each of these stories.

    Warmly,
    Ann

  4. Allison Andrews says:

    Colleen, I love that your definition of optimism involves both change and gratitude. Sometimes the pain even leads to the change we seek. I think the positive psychology focus is great and I look forward to reading more. Best, Allison

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