Grateful or Complaining? Why Not Both?

If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is “thank you,” that would suffice. – Meister Eckhart.

(Part 3 of a 10-part series on the character traits of happy people)

Two people have the same experience: their car breaks down, and they have to call a tow truck to pick them up. The car is towed to a service station, where they are told it will be about $300 to fix their car.

Person A is pissed off. She had a bunch of appointments today, she had other plans for that $300 and she can’t believe her bad luck that this would happen to her right before a busy weekend. If she didn’t have bad luck, she’d have no luck at all, she thinks.

Person B is relieved. The cost to fix a serious problem would be much higher than $300, and at least it happened on a well-traveled road, during daylight, when it wasn’t raining. She’s had car problems before and knows that she got off easy this time.

Who do you think is the happier person? (I know – duh). There’s a lot of research on how gratitude as a practice can improve your health, both physically and psychologically. Almost every spiritual tradition has some sort of gratitude practice, such as a blessing over a meal, so it’s not a New Age-y thing.

However, I don’t think you can truly experience gratitude unless you let yourself feel pain, and that leads to my biggest issue with how people talk about gratitude.

When people say, “Count Your Blessings,” what they often mean is, “’Stop Complaining.”

Being grateful is actually easier when you’ve had things be hard for a while. The most grateful, peaceful people I know are the ones who’ve been through the most hardship and haven’t become bitter, but instead, remember the pain of the hard times and turn that awareness into gratitude for the present moment.

Most people who are truly grateful for their health have been very sick. I know when I get sick I appreciate the times I’m not sick that much more.

Gratitude is a problem when it’s used to minimize anyone’s feelings – even yours. Yes, Life is Beautiful. Life is also pretty shitty sometimes.

The point is: Both are true. And even when life sucks, most people have something to be grateful for. The mere awareness of this can lift people out of depression, or at least become a lifeline to get them through it.

It’s all about where you put your attention. Person A put her attention on the downsides of her situation, but Person B put her attention on what was good about it, and that makes all the difference. Gratitude is inextricably tied to optimism in this way.

The most popular way to practice gratitude in your life is to keep a gratitude journal. I keep one in my head at night as I’m falling asleep, but it’s even better if you write it down. There’s a great article here about how to make sure your gratitude practice is helpful.