Praise and Narcissistic Kids

The study about praise from parents creating narcissistic kids out of the University of Ohio,  discussed in this NPR article, is making the rounds right now, and some of the ways it’s being interpreted are making me cringe.

It sounds like this study is another in a series of “kids today have too much self-esteem, we need to knock them down a peg or two” findings, but it’s not. Here are some things for parents to consider:

1. First off, what’s narcissism?

Narcissism looks like an extreme sense of self-worth. Narcissists feel entitled to special treatment, tend to only see their own point of view and lack empathy. They also absolutely reject criticism of any kind.

The thing is, narcissism in adults is usually a defense against an internal self-loathing. Narcissists have what we call primary narcissistic wounding, which we think arises from a lack of empathy from early caregivers. Infants and toddlers need to have their basic needs met as well as love, empathy and affection from caregivers. When these are withheld, the basic sense of security that we are OK and the world is basically safe doesn’t develop.

It’s like they have this black hole inside that nothing can fill. It’s too scary to acknowledge it, so they build these defenses of narcissism to prevent having to open it up. They build these defenses by carefully constructing a persona, or outer appearance, of being perfect. Anything that scratches that surface to reveal the imperfect inside is rejected and fought against. That’s why they reject people who don’t reflect back their perfect image of themselves. They’ll come up with really crazy stories when caught in a lie, and you’ll think, “You really expect me to believe that?” They ignore signs that people are seeing through their carefully constructed veneer.

It’s all really an attempt to avoid the huge black hole of pain inside, and it’s not the same thing as grandiose self-esteem, although it can look like it. True narcissists are actually very fragile inside.

2. These are kids.

The researchers looked at kids from 8 -12 years old, and admit, “Every child is a narcissist.” By the time they’re 12, their peers have beaten their self-esteem up a bit. The problem, though, is that kids that are 12 are still pretty labile, and are heading into a time of hormones and intensity, if they’re not already there. They fluctuate madly between feeling on top of the world and feeling like the scum of the earth.

3. The paradox of confidence

The paradox of confidence is that feeling confident and having true self-worth actually comes from admitting and accepting your faults, and still being OK with yourself. That’s what we need to teach kids.

Please don’t stop praising your kids, they need to feel that they’re special to you. But you can also teach them to follow rules that are set up for fairness, to have empathy for others, and to wait their turn. They need to believe that you really see them, with their strengths and their weaknesses, and that your love isn’t conditional to their performance.

I’m not saying there aren’t kids out there who feel genuinely entitled and better than their peers, there are. I know a few. But what I don’t want people to miss is that this study distinguishes between training your kid to feel entitled and making them feel loved. I liked that at the end of the NPR article, it quotes the main researcher as suggestion parents just tell their kid that they love them. “It’s what you mean, and it’s a much better message,” says Dr. Bushman.