(Part 8 of a 10-part series on character traits of happy people)
“This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Our own mind, our own heart is the temple. Our philosophy is simple kindness.”
― Dalai Lama XIV
When my children were babies, of course I had all kinds of hopes for them, but the one that I remember most was my hope that they would be kind.
Not everyone is.
Research tells us that most children have an innate kind side, and can feel empathy even as infants. But, as we all know, they also have a super-selfish side. Evolutionarily speaking, this is a matter of self-preservation: If I give you all my Cheerios, I won’t have any for myself and I might die.
So why do some people find it easy to overcome that self-preservation instinct and act with generosity instead? And why are some people just not very kind?
I think people, in general, look at the world in terms of scarcity vs. abundance. Do you tend to think there’s never enough to go around? Do you always feel cheated out of what’s rightfully yours? Do you see others as competition for the goal? How many times do you hear yourself say, “Why should I help him out? He’s never done anything for me.” Is your life based on tit-for-tat record-keeping?
Or, do you tend to think we’ll all get farther if we work together? Are you grateful for the small kind things done for you and so want to pay it forward?
And those attitudes, like so many things, go back to our childhood. Were your needs met as a kid? Were your parents generally kind to you? Did they model kindness towards other people?
Kindness, like our biceps, is a muscle that needs exercising. Once your attitude of kindness is healthy and strong, it is so much easier to use it.
Try this for a week: Find one kind thing a day to do for someone else and do it. Don’t announce it, don’t ask for thanks, don’t look for praise. Just do it. It can be as simple as putting your neighbor’s garbage cans back for them. See what happens. My guess is you’ll continue to do it, if not every day, at least more often. And, according to the research, making the world a kinder place will contribute significantly to your own happiness.
Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon on Flickr – he’s posted the story that goes with it.
I came across some interesting articles in this week’s research that I thought I’d share with you:
The Neuroscience of Beauty: The same part of the brain that appreciates Michelangelo’s transformations of marble are also responsible for processing pain and disgust. That was unexpected.
Awe Actually Slows Down Time: Experiences of awe makes us feel like we have more time, leading us to be more generous and patient.
There are thousands of websites that claim to catalog awe-inspiring things. Here are a few I think actually do:
Part 7 of a 10-part series on the characteristics of happy people
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” – W.B. Yeats
I was surprised to find that, according to the University of Zurich research I’ve been writing about, “appreciation of beauty” was in the second half of characteristics of happy people. I expected it to rank higher, but I’m thinking that if you don’t have the top traits, maybe it’s hard to appreciate beauty.
My Father-In-Law and the Fountain Guy
It’s defined, according to Chris Peterson and Martin Seligman, as the “ability to find, recognize, and take pleasure in the existence of goodness in the physical and social worlds.”
That’s pretty broad. They break down this “goodness” as being one of three different types:
1. Physical or auditory: music, birds singing, fine art.
2. Skill or talent: athletic skill, performers of any type
3. Virtue or moral goodness: charitable works, kindness.
Shock and Awe
According to this article, awe is the emotion most often associated with this trait. Awe isn’t an emotion we think about very often. It’s not on any of the “What Do You Feel Today?” posters I had in my play therapy room, but it should be.
As I think about the elders in my life, those I’m most inspired by are the ones who, after 80+ years, can still find awe around them.
Several years ago, I took my in-laws to the Legion of Honor in San Francisco, a properly awe-worthy place. They were impressed by the art, but what caught my father-in-law’s attention was the guy cleaning the fountain out front. He struck up a conversation with him, as he is wont to do, and must have asked him 20 questions about how he was cleaning the fountain. My mother-in-law was annoyed by the wait, since it’s a pretty frequent occurrence for her to end up waiting while he chats someone up.
He has an engineering background and found whatever the guy was doing fascinating. (I confess that I have no idea what he found fascinating because I was chasing a toddler around at the same time).
I loved the sculptures, he loved the mechanics of cleaning the fountain. The point is to find what you think is awe-worthy and surround yourself with it.
Preparing for this post, I collected some scholarly research on humor and abstracts on research about the link between humor and health. Boy, though, were they dry. Here’s a sample:
Humor is a complex phenomenon and is thought to involve three stages: 1.The listener encounters incongruity (the punch-line); 2. The listener tries to resolve the incongruity between the punch-line and the expectation shaped by the joke (surprise and coherence); and 3.The listener concludes that what actually makes sense is pleasant nonsense (appreciation). Functional imaging during laughter reveals that different areas of the brain are involved with each of these stages.Interestingly, men and women often perceive jokes differently, as indicated by gender differences in both behavioral response and functional brain imaging during a humorous event. (The Health Benefits of Humor)
I’ll bet you didn’t even read that.
Make your own decision about whether or not humor helps your health, because the research is mixed. If humor is important to you and helps you cope, it probably does. It certainly can’t hurt.
So, instead of getting all intellectual, let’s link up some more funny websites:
I don’t remember how I found these, but my kids and I are hooked. They get kids to narrate old family stories or make up scenarios, tape their voices and then have adults act them out with the kids’ voices. My favorite is “Healthy Food.” Many of the quotes have made their way into our family’s lexicon: “There’s only one minute left in my brain!” “Here’s your perfectly normal pancakes, kids!” Might as well just embed it for you here:
Part 6 of a 10-part series on character traits of happy people
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road. – Henry Ward Beecher
I’m finding humor oddly difficult to write about, probably because it’s so important to me, and there’s no way I’m going to do it justice. Humor is really complicated. It can be tragic, silly, juvenile, sophisticated, intellectual, cheerful, and macabre.
It’s universal – every culture has laughter (sometimes I wonder about my Catholic homies, but there’s some Lenten humor out there, so I guess they’re not lost). Humor is vital to the Irish culture. They’ve managed to find humor in death, war and starvation. May you have eyes in your head and not in your potatoes, and all that.
It’s also life-saving. Humor has helped me cope with some of the darkest periods of my life. It’s not surprising that it’s been defined as one of the core character strengths that compromise resiliency.
It’s kind of hard to explain exactly why humor is so vital, though. You just know it is. I tried to read some scholarly articles about humor and psychology, and if anyone can drain the life out of a topic, it’s an academic. I don’t want to academically analyze humor. You know it’s important. You know a laugh on a bad day makes you feel better. The great thing is, it’s usually all around you, although sometimes you have to look a bit harder for it.
Humor is also vastly personal. You might not think the same things are funny as I do. Lots of people like LOLCats, but they’re not really my thing, except for Grumpy Cat, whom I think might be my spirit animal.
Feel free to share the sites you go to cheer yourself up and laugh. Here are some of mine:
Cake Wrecks: It’s not nice to laugh at other people’s mistakes, unless they’re really funny. They also publish really beautiful cakes on Sundays, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Cracked.com: They have a way of polishing up what you’re already thinking. They’re irreverent and usually not safe for kids, but always funny.
Awkward Family Photos: Again, not nice to laugh at people, I know. Fortunately, my guilt about this is somewhat mitigated by the fact that most of them are submitted by the subjects in the photos.
Part 5 of a 10-part series on the character traits of happy people.
“None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
One of the best things about having children, in my opinion, is that you surround yourself with enthusiasm.
When my son was a preschooler, he gained a reputation for leaving every situation, from my OB/GYN appointment (yeah, I had to take him), to the cemetery visiting my mother’s grave, with a loud and enthusiastic, “THAT WAS FUN!” It was funny, you know, because those things aren’t usually thought of as fun, but he certainly sounded sincere and the nurses loved it.
Later, one of my son’s report cards even mentioned his “boundless enthusiasm,” which may have been code for something less appealing, but I chose to take it at face value.
I’ve been really lucky – my boys somehow exuded enthusiasm about almost everything. I think enthusiasm is one of the greatest traits ever.
But as they’ve grown older, I notice their enthusiasm dampening down a bit. My oldest son walks around now with a practiced air of indifference, and is much more likely to shrug than report, “That was fun!” My younger son doesn’t tremble with excitement nearly as often.
I’m not sure how that happens, and why we as adults continue to think indifference is preferable to enthusiasm, but we do. I think we all somehow are acculturated to believe that it’s not cool to be too excited. It’s like we think being too pumped-up about something is just going to lead to disappointment. Or, maybe we just think we look cooler if we look bored.
We need to cultivate enthusiasm, not discourage it. Enthusiasm can be a spiritual practice – the word derives from “en” – within – and “theos” or God. So the word even means “God within.” Enthusiasm increases our energy, our commitment, our motivation. Apathy and indifference, however, are depressing.
Notice what you’re passionate about, and don’t be afraid to show your passion. Dance, sing, speak in CAPITAL LETTERS! If you can’t find your enthusiasm right now, surround yourself with enthusiastic people, and let it rub off on you. Try saying, “That was fun!” to yourself after you leave places and events. Say it after an OB/GYN appointment or, if you’re a guy, a prostate exam, and at least it’ll make you laugh (which will lead us onto next week’s topic: Humor).
Hola! Oldest son is home from school today and wants some Mom-and-me time. He really, really wants me to check out his newest land in Minecraft, which is his current preferred expression of creativity.
1. Music therapist Rachelle Norman brings music therapy to elders, but her post on Elvis and creativity could apply to anyone wanting to grow creatively.
2. This father writes about the intrinsic value of play. “In play an adult can become like a child, fully absorbed in the here-and-now. Play, not work, brings us fully to life.” Play is a perfect example of being involved in the process, not the outcome.
3. Long article worth reading from the UK, but if you don’t want to read the whole thing because you’re a rebel, skip to the end where it outlines the importance of developing and nurturing creativity in schools.
4. My son will be thrilled about this: Video game playing tied to creativity. He says that he likes Minecraft, which you’ve probably heard of if you have a kid between 8-18, because it lets him build and create things. I say, “Legos do that, too,” but apparently it’s not the same.
5. 3 simple, easy exercise to spark creativity The squiggle game was also described by famed child development expert D.W. Winnicott in the 1970’s. He’s probably not the first to think of it, either.
(Part 4 of a 10-part series on the character traits of happy people).
Anything that catches your eye can inspire your creative spirit.
“I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking” – Albert Einstein
Words are awesome. The ability to articulate our inner life is the crux of therapy, really. But words are also limiting. Try describing Beethoven’s Fifth to someone without humming “dum dum dum DUM.” You can’t. Try reading a review of an art piece without looking at a picture of the piece being critiqued. Dry, right?
Research is showing more and more that success and happiness in life is a product of things besides the ability to be articulate. You need to be creative, think outside the box, have multiple intelligences.
I think everyone needs some creative outlet in their lives, and this is even more important when you’re going through a transition of some sort.
You’ve probably heard of Art Therapy? We in the biz call it “Expressive Arts Therapy” (because we don’t use 2 words when we can use 3).
It’s amazing, really. Ask anyone who’s used it in their growth process. It’s much less about the finished product than about the process of creating, of letting that left brain take a break and tapping into the depth of the right brain.
But for those of us who can’t draw, it can be really intimidating. It’s hard to let go of our desire to create something that looks good. It’s hard to shut down the inner critic who tells you that it’s all coming out wrong. Here are some ways to cultivate creativity in your life and get around that stuffy art critic inside each of us:
1. Focus on the process, not the product.
Maybe when I’m retired I’ll take some drawing classes. For now, I doodle. I love doodling. Doodling while I’m listening to a lecture helps me focus, and doodling can help me think out a tough problem. There’s a whole art movement dedicated to doodling: Zentangles. These are structured doodles that also have the added benefit of looking really cool when you’re done. It’s rather meditative, once you get going.
Do you need to use your hands? How about clay? Don’t like to get dirty? Maybe photography is your thing. Gardening is creative – you’re definitely in the process of creating something. Cooking is creative, especially when you just use recipes as a guideline and then add your own inspired spices. Ever seen the cool designs baristas make on lattes? Maybe you’re called back to the days of paper and glue and want to get some pretty scrapbook paper and make collages for no one but yourself. Sewing? Embroidery? Short stories? Digital art? Scrapbooking? There are kits out there now that are made for documenting and processing your daily life like an art journal. Check out “Smash Books.”
My husband’s creative outlet is our house – fortunately for us, he loves working on home improvement projects and uses that as his creative outlet. Finding just the right color of wood stain for the doorways is a creative puzzle for him to solve, while the choices and process just overwhelm me. It’s a blessing for us that I think he has pretty good taste and always like how it ends up looking.
3. Pay attention to your dreams.
Our dreams give us the images that are important to us. We may not know why – I still don’t really understand why I dreamed about lost dogs all through my 30’s. Keep a notebook by your bed and jot down the images before you get up – once you get up out of bed, they tend to fade and are harder to remember. Let the images knock around in your brain for a while and then find a way to incorporate them into your projects. You’ll be helping your unconscious process whatever it needs to process.
4. Morning Pages.
The bible of creative process, Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” suggests morning pages as a way to relieve blocks that inhibit creativity. I think it’s a way to relieve any kid of blocks and always recommend it to clients who feel sluggish in their process or stuck. The idea is that you write out three pages first thing in the morning. The content is not dictated, which is the point. You write out whatever’s on your mind without censoring it. Since it’s done in the morning, it’s a great way to keep track of dreams. It’s a literal “brain dump,” which frees your brain for other things during the day.
Practically, it’s hard to do it all longhand, but I think if you can, that’s the way to go. Get a plain spiral bound notebook, and go for it. If you have to do it on the computer, go ahead, it’s better than not doing it at all. Try committing to it for a month and see what happens.
5. What images are repeatedly catching your eye?
In the past year, I’ve been a bit obsessed with bright colors. I’ve always loved rainbows, but my wardrobe has been mostly browns and blacks the past few years. (OK, if I’m being honest, the past couple decades). Anyway, lately I’ve found myself drawn more and more to rainbows and bright colors and created a Pinterest board to collect these images. That’s where I got the term “Full-Color Life.” I’m still exploring what it means. But it took a while for me to realize and embrace that I’m just not into pastels right now.
In my 20’s, I was really drawn to suns. I had a picture of a mosaic sun in my kitchen, wore sun earrings, etc. Looking back, I think I was drawn to the sun because I was working towards wholeness in my psyche, and the circle is the major symbol of wholeness.
Don’t interpret it too much – just be aware of what images are arising from your unconsciousness. Let them be there, collect them, sit with them. You may find that the lions that are catching your attention are asking you to gather your personal power. You may find that the snakes are asking you to stop and enjoy the sunshine, and take care of your own needs. Sometimes looking up these symbols in a symbol dictionary can be interesting, and sometimes their definition doesn’t resonate at all with you. Your personal meaning is what’s most important.
Whatever you are drawn to, letting yourself take the time to nurture the creative spirit inside you is one of the best gifts you can give yourself, and the rewards can be huge.
Interesting article reflecting on our anxiety when we tell truths that others may not want to hear. I”m new to her column and will definitely be checking out more of her writing. Mostly, though, I love the image of the Gratitude Train from France.
Oh man, if I had a nickel for everytime someone told me they didn’t know what taking care of themselves looked like, I’d have a lot of nickels. Dr. Becker Schutte’s post is mostly about how to modify self-care when you’re sick, but it’s a great starting point. Fuzzy socks and soft blankets are my answers.
I love this infographic, especially because it has references at the bottom! How many infographics do that? As someone who had to format a 10-page bibliography in perfect APA style for her dissertation comma by comma before they made bibliography-making programs, I appreciate the extra effort. Good reminders, too.
Here’s a woman whose battle with depression led her to fitness. She now runs bootcamps and is doing a 30-city tour to raise money for “To Write Love on Her Arms,” a depression support website. Here’s the thing: you could take this woman’s story one of two ways. You could be inspired by her story to have hope that depression can be managed and that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, or you could berate yourself for not being as fit or successful as she has been. If you’re prone to do the latter, DON’T CLICK ON THE LINK. Not worth it – don’t go down that road. Go put on some fuzzy socks or get outside in the sunshine.
And, finally, just because it’s one of the more bizarre things I’ve seen this week and I can’t stop watching it:
Two people have the same experience: their car breaks down, and they have to call a tow truck to pick them up. The car is towed to a service station, where they are told it will be about $300 to fix their car.
Person A is pissed off. She had a bunch of appointments today, she had other plans for that $300 and she can’t believe her bad luck that this would happen to her right before a busy weekend. If she didn’t have bad luck, she’d have no luck at all, she thinks.
Person B is relieved. The cost to fix a serious problem would be much higher than $300, and at least it happened on a well-traveled road, during daylight, when it wasn’t raining. She’s had car problems before and knows that she got off easy this time.
Who do you think is the happier person? (I know – duh). There’s a lot of research on how gratitude as a practice can improve your health, both physically and psychologically. Almost every spiritual tradition has some sort of gratitude practice, such as a blessing over a meal, so it’s not a New Age-y thing.
However, I don’t think you can truly experience gratitude unless you let yourself feel pain, and that leads to my biggest issue with how people talk about gratitude.
When people say, “Count Your Blessings,” what they often mean is, “’Stop Complaining.”
Being grateful is actually easier when you’ve had things be hard for a while. The most grateful, peaceful people I know are the ones who’ve been through the most hardship and haven’t become bitter, but instead, remember the pain of the hard times and turn that awareness into gratitude for the present moment.
Most people who are truly grateful for their health have been very sick. I know when I get sick I appreciate the times I’m not sick that much more.
Gratitude is a problem when it’s used to minimize anyone’s feelings – even yours. Yes, Life is Beautiful. Life is also pretty shitty sometimes.
The point is: Both are true. And even when life sucks, most people have something to be grateful for. The mere awareness of this can lift people out of depression, or at least become a lifeline to get them through it.
It’s all about where you put your attention. Person A put her attention on the downsides of her situation, but Person B put her attention on what was good about it, and that makes all the difference. Gratitude is inextricably tied to optimism in this way.
The most popular way to practice gratitude in your life is to keep a gratitude journal. I keep one in my head at night as I’m falling asleep, but it’s even better if you write it down. There’s a great article here about how to make sure your gratitude practice is helpful.
