Blog

Howdy! Welcome to a new feature on my blog, called Full–Color Friday!

I’m going to share some of my favorite positive-minded links from my browsing this week (not all were published this week. Maybe someday I’ll catch up and be posting only from the current week, but then again, maybe not).

The Top 10 Insights from “The Science of a Meaningful Life”

A really interesting collection from research in the past year about how people work – from “High Status Brings Low Ethics” – not much of a surprise, but here’s research that backs that up; and “Gratitude Sustains Relationships Through Tough Times,” from one of my favorite websites on the research behind positive psychology – U. C. Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.

What if The Secret To Success is Failure?

This New York Times magazine article not only outlines the traits, besides IQ, that determine success in life, it also makes the case against standardized testing. I love that they have a “Grit Scale,” to measure one’s grit. I’m going to have to look into that one more.

Optimism: Steps to a Better Life

Turns out that Norman Vincent Peale, who published “The Power of Positive Thinking,” in 1952, had some pretty good ideas.

Throw Away Your Vision Board

Dude’s being a little overly dramatic in stating his case, but he’s absolutely right about one thing: Envisioning your goal without envisioning how you’re going to handle setbacks is useless.

 

Have a great weekend! We’re looking forward to saying goodbye to 5th grade basketball and hello to Little League this weekend! We’re bundling up because all the games are outside and slightly less comfortable from now on.

(Part 2 of a 10-part series on the character traits of happy people)

I remember nothing else about one conversation I had with my mother during my teen years except her admonishment, “You and your sister need to take off your rose-colored glasses!” I don’t remember what the context was or what my sister and I were being so obstinately optimistic about. But I do remember what she said because it was a pretty clear encapsulation of her attitude. At the time I was angry, and I vowed that I wouldn’t let her make me as bitter or pessimistic as she was (“I’m not gonna let her drag me down with her!” I believe was how my dramatic teen-self put it).

Fast forward 20 or so years, and my 4-year-old is telling me that he wants to set up a stand outside our house and sell his paperclips. He’d been collecting paperclips for about a year, pilfering them off of our desks or occasionally finding them in parking lots (and don’t even try telling me that I shouldn’t have let him pick them up. His obsession with paperclips followed an even more intense obsession with license plates and I was just glad there were fewer paperclips than license plates to slow us down in the parking lot at Target).

So he wants to sell paperclips to make a little money. I say, “Gee, A., that’s a really interesting idea, but first off, we don’t have a lot of foot traffic in front of our house, and I’m not sure people in the neighborhood really need paperclips.” He stared at me for about 10 seconds, then went to his room, pulled out his little laundry basket, took it and his paperclips outside and set up shop. I, of course, was worried that he would be terribly disappointed when no one came to buy his paperclips.

This is what happened next (It’s long, but the first minute gives you an idea of the enthusiastic reception):

This is all  to explain that I come by pessimism honestly. I now understand that my mother wasn’t trying to “drag me down” – she just didn’t want me to be as disappointed by life as she had been. I was trying to protect A. from disappointment, and fortunately, he didn’t listen to me. (Back in the 90’s, I also thought texting would never catch on, so clearly he’s a wise boy).

We have many choices in life and one of the most important choices we make is how we approach our lives – are they half-empty, or are they half-full?

So many people go through life afraid of being disappointed. They’re afraid that if they are optimistic, they’ll be proven to be a fool. There’s even a train of thought in depression research that suggests that depressed people are actually more in touch with reality than non-depressed people.

I don’t think optimism is about denying life’s disappointments, or even failures. I also don’t think it’s about being relentlessly cheerful in the face of real pain. That’s just annoying. What it is about is realizing that while pain is inevitable, some suffering is optional. It’s about realizing that we have some choices about lingering in our pain, or taking action to change it.

When I was in the middle of a fairly deep depression, I remember praying, “God apparently I have to be here right now because nothing I’ve tried to alleviate this depression has worked, so, fine. Just please, please let me not miss the opportunity to climb out of it.” It was the most optimistic prayer I could think of at that time of life, and I really believe the willingness to tolerate the pain but also the intention to leave it behind, when that became possible, is what saved me. I call this my “Optimistic Depressive” attitude.

Optimism is about realizing that while really ecstatic states of being are temporary, so are really desperate states of being. Change is constant, and our job is to appreciate the ups and to tolerate the downs. It’s realizing that while a heat wave in San Francisco might be a harbinger of climate change, the fog always returns and cools things down eventually.

Optimism is about appreciating and feeling gratitude for all the blessings we have, because even though life throws some crazy stuff at us, it also throws inexplicable beauty and kindness and things that feel good – like clean sheets, puffy socks and the smell of cinnamon. It’s being like Velcro to the good things and Teflon to the bad stuff, instead of vice versa.

It’s not easy, at all. But even a pessimist can be trained to be optimistic – I’m living proof. Optimism is one of the pillars of Positive Psychology, and I’ll be writing about it more in the weeks to come, so stay tuned.

 

 

 

I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity.  – Eleanor Roosevelt

(Part 1 of a 10-part series on the character traits of happy people)

Last week I wrote about research that suggested that training in certain personality traits can improve life satisfaction. One of the traits I was surprised to see was curiosity. Specifically, I was surprised that curiosity came out ahead of appreciating beauty, which I always thought of as essential to happiness.

But then I started thinking about how curiosity works. Curiosity is active and dynamic.  Curiosity leads to learning, which keeps our brains limber and prevents dementia. Curiosity ensures we’ll keep adding and shifting our world view, which keeps us flexible and resilient when life sends us surprises.

We are naturally curious animals, and we can see this especially powerfully in children. I believe we lose our natural curiosity when we start becoming self-conscious. Perhaps our questions were judged as stupid, or nerdy, or not worth someone’s time. Maybe we started judging other people’s questions and made assumptions about their worthiness based on the questions they were asking. However it happens, we stopped being curious and started being judgmental. We worried more about how we fit in and how other people were judging us. We judged others before we found out anything about them.

Being curious is the antidote to judgment. In terms of ourselves, judgment stops us from finding out why that co-worker is getting under our skins so incessantly. It stops us from figuring out why we resent a friend’s success so much. It stops us from figuring out why we sometimes feel like a 5-year-old with our partner. It feeds the inner critical voice. Curiosity leads to compassion for ourselves.

But if we can put aside the judgment and be curious, we can begin to get underneath the surface to what’s really there.

Curiosity also leads to a better understanding of the world and other people. It helps us listen to each other when we have different viewpoints.  Why does your friend seem so blind (which is a judgment) about a particular issue? Let’s try to find out, and maybe we’ll find out that she’s got some good points, or even that we’re misunderstanding her stance. Curiosity leads to compassion for others, and compassion leads to forgiveness.

So how do we cultivate curiosity? There’s therapy, of course, where one-one-one support and gentle questioning can help us explore our inner lives, but there are also some practical ways to support curiosity in the external world that you can put in place now.

The first thing is to figure out what sparks your interest.

• When something sparks your interest, make a note of it. Next time you’re browsing the internet, keep a pen and paper nearby (or whatever you take notes with). Keep this notepad with you and write down any topic you think is interesting. It could be anything from animal behavior (Is it true that praying mantises eat each other during mating?) to religion (Why IS Christmas on December 25th?) to urban legends (Are there really alligators in sewers?). Most of the time these are fleeting thoughts that we forget.  Make a conscious effort to make time to answer your questions.
• Browse through a community college catalog and highlight the courses that sound interesting to you, just as an exercise to spark some ideas about what you’re naturally curious about.
• Take a look at podcasts. These are usually free and great for listening on an mp3 player or iPod while you do chores or on walks. They span a huge range of topics, don’t require a huge investment of time and can be very interesting. Try looking at TEDtalks podcasts or some of the NPR informational shows like RadioLab or How Stuff Works.  
• Notice when you’re surprised. What conclusions, assumptions or judgments were you making? This leads to….
• Ask more questions and talk about yourself less.  This works especially well in interpersonal conflicts, but can be practiced outside of conflicts, too. There are tons of interesting people out there in the world. Worry less about what they think of you, and concentrate more on mining the really fascinating things people are involved in. Then…
• Go talk to someone else about what you’ve learned. If they’re naturally curious, they might bring up some ideas you didn’t think of. You can practically feel those neurons developing in your brain as you process the new information.
• Spend time with a child. Notice their questions and how they incorporate new information. It’s fascinating and inspiring to see how excited they get by new experiences. Cultivate that enthusiasm, and you’ll find there is so much to be excited about. 

When I had children, I made a very conscious decision: I wanted them to be optimists. I was not raised to be an

optimist and it’s definitely something I continue to work on. I’m much more positive and optimistic than I used to be, and what’s more important, I feel like I have some control over it.

Having practiced psychotherapy for over 25 years, I’ve listened to many, many people tell me their stories. And I noticed something huge: their level of happiness had very little to do with their life’s circumstances. Being into developmental psychology as I was, I assumed they must have had happy childhoods. Wrong. Some did, sure, but many didn’t. What most of them did at one point or another, though, was have an “Aha!” moment where they decided that they had some control over how they responded to things and people around them. Most of them, at some point, realized, “Wow, this sucks, but I can choose to let it ruin me, or I can do something about it.”

By contrast, many of the sadder, more depressed people felt they had little to no control over their situations.

Now, let me be clear – I’m not judging people for being depressed. Sometimes depression comes out of the blue and hits you over the head with a 2 x 4 and despite your best efforts, takes its sweet time in leaving. I know – I’ve been there.

But, there are personality characteristics that seem to go along with fighting one’s way through depression, grief, and bad times in general.

The great news from a study out of University of Zurich is that people can successfully improve these personality characteristics, much like you’d strengthen a muscle.

We’ve known for a while that people who are happy tend to do certain things to sustain or increase their happiness, like looking for silver linings, being grateful or counting their blessings, and being optimistic. But are they born this way? Do they learn it in childhood?

This study shows it might not matter. There were 178 subjects in this study (fairly large for a psychological study) and they participated in various character training exercises for 10 weeks. The group that trained in these five traits:

• Curiosity
• Gratitude
• Optimism
• Humor
• Enthusiasm 

 

showed the largest improvement, especially in “Life Satisfaction,”  although the group that trained in these five traits:

 

• Appreciation of Beauty
• Creativity
• Kindness
• Love of learning
• Foresight

improved as well, just not as much as the first group. Both groups that had training improved in their overall mood and life satisfaction.

What’s fascinating about the field of Positive Psychology is that it doesn’t focus as much as traditional research does on disorders and diagnoses. Traditional psychology focuses on what goes wrong, and how to improve clients’ symptoms to the point where they are “back to normal,” whatever that is. But Positive Psychology looks at resiliency and what makes some people able to be happy despite their life circumstances.

The great news here is that anyone can do it. There’s hope for all of us pessimists yet! I’m not sure I’ve ever been prouder than when my 5-year-old won the “Positively Positive” award from his day camp counselors for saying, “Hey, we can still have fun!” even when everything about a planned hike was going wrong, and just generally having a smile on his face. Or maybe when my 9-year-old advocated for his chance to be pitcher for his little league baseball game even though he’d never even tried it before and had no idea if he could do it or not (he wasn’t great, but I was just impressed he was willing to try it for the first time in front of all those spectators). I’m far from a perfect mom, but I have tried to encourage them to think this way, and it seems to be working.

Over the next year, I plan to go into these characteristics more in depth, and offer practical exercises to develop your
own positive muscles. Make sure to subscribe to this blog or like my page on Facebook so you get all the updates.

 

As a therapist, I’m always trying to get people to open up to their friends, or make new friends with whom they can be honest. We’re social beings, we need each other, and countless studies have shown that people with a strong network of friends tend to be happier.

We have a couple of things working against us in learning how to create this network and use it, though. Maybe you heard from your parents that you should keep your problems to yourself, and you’re not supposed to talk to “outsiders” about what’s happening in your family.

Or maybe your friends seem to only want to have fun and laugh, and their eyes glaze over if you start talking about your problems.

Maybe you’ve opened up before only to have well-meaning friends jump in with their obvious solutions to your problems, – as if you haven’t already thought of them.

Closing yourself off from people who genuinely want to be supportive can make you feel lonely and isolated. But sometimes we forget that opening up to others is actually a skill that we need to learn. Here are some tips:

1. Know Your Audience

Trust the right people. If you find yourself consistently disappointed in your friends’ reactions, ask yourself why you keep opening up to them. Could it be you’re hoping to draw them in, make yourself feel closer to them by letting them in on your deepest, darkest secrets? Are you testing the friendship? Maybe you’re subconsciously convincing yourself that opening up is a bad idea by trusting people who are going to disappoint you, thereby proving your hypothesis that opening up isn’t safe.

Whatever the reason, open up to people whom you really feel to be trustworthy.  Don’t lay everything that’s going wrong in your life on a new group of people whom you’ve just met (unless it’s a group therapy session).

2. Timing is Everything

I probably don’t have to tell you that having a deep discussion or telling a friend what’s going on with you at a rave or a loud house party is a bad idea. Other bad times include: as your friend is walking out the door on the way to work; on the phone while you or your friend is at work; or when your friend is really tired and/or upset about something else.

3. Do It in Person, Not Over Text

Please, please, if you listen to nothing else, please believe me that you should not have any kind of emotional discussion over text. Texting is for “I’m going to be 5 minutes late,” or “I’m at the fountain in the quad.” It is NOT for “OMG I’m really falling apart….” kinds of talks.

For one thing, your friend is not going to be able to convey the support you’re looking for over texting, no matter how empathically they type. For another, really explaining confused and complex emotions is very difficult to do over text. It’s difficult to do in any kind of writing. Heck, it’s difficult when talking, so don’t make it harder on yourself by trying to communicate such things with a tiny keyboard and your thumbs.

4. Insert Some Positives

If you’re with a friend who accepts you unconditionally and loves you just as you are, great. They’ll probably be OK with a late night rant about how every single thing in your life sucks. When with everyone else, you can still be connected and receive support – but it’s a good idea to make sure you aren’t 100% negative in your sharing. Hardly any situation doesn’t have some light side, and hardly any stage of life is all dark. What blessings can you count? What are you grateful for? Be sure to balance your sharing with a few of these, and it will help you maintain your perspective, as well.

And even BFFs like to hear what’s going well, sometimes.  A friend of mine quotes something she learned from another friend, “”You can unload anything you want, but if you don’t share both good and bad, then you have to start paying me by the hour.”

5. Be Clear About What You Want From Them

If your friends jump in with problem solving, and all you want is some sympathy, you have to tell them that. You can’t get huffy, stalk away and sulk (Well, you can, but it’s not productive and it annoys your friends). It’s perfectly OK to say, “I know I’m whining, but I just need to vent for a minute.” Most friends will be relieved that you’re not making the problem theirs, and will be happy to sympathize.

If you feel like your friends are getting tired of hearing all your problems, maybe it’s time to ask them. You could be projecting your own discomfort with opening up onto them, and assuming that they’re more uncomfortable than they actually are.

On the other hand, maybe they feel like you’re complaining a lot without attempting to change anything. Either way, it’s a good idea to check in with them. But, be prepared for the answer and try not to feel too hurt. It’s actually the sign of a strong friendship that they can give you feedback without you reacting defensively. A friendship like that can make both of you feel safer and more supported.

Image courtesy of: Andy Bernay-Roman

In my office, seeing as many 20-somethings as I do, I see a LOT of infatuation disguised as love. Most of the time, clients think they’re in love with someone with whom they’re actually infatuated.

I find it very difficult to tell someone, client or friend, that what they’re feeling is infatuation rather than love. First of all, they don’t believe me. Second, they tend to feel offended, as if being infatuated with someone is something to be ashamed of. But mostly, I think they’re disappointed. Infatuation sounds so shallow and temporary. They really WANT to be in love, and what they’re feeling is so strong, they figure it must be love.

How do you tell the difference? It’s not easy, especially since true love often starts out with infatuation. That’s the fun part – you think about this person all the time, you might fantasize about a future with them, you get all wiggly inside when you’re near them. You’d like to spend all your time with them. Your desire is strong, and your hands (among other body parts) want to be touching them all the time. You’re feeling giddy and happy – life is great.

Infatuation is quick and easy. It doesn’t take much work. Hopefully, the other person is infatuated with you, too. (If they’re not, what you have is a crush). You enjoy how much you have in common and are fascinated by the differences. Infatuation is awesome, fun and short-lived. You can prolong it by not having much contact with the other person (i.e. some long distance romances can never get beyond the infatuation stage).

True love is reciprocal. You can’t really “love” someone from afar, it has to be a dynamic interplay between two people to count as love.* (Again, if you do love someone from afar, what you probably have is a crush).

True love means you know the other person well and intimately. You know their faults, their lives and their histories. You know what makes your partner difficult to live with as well as what makes it worthwhile to be with them. You know what sets them off, and you know what makes them feel loved.

True love lasts through struggles. You’ve been through tough times with this person and know you can make it out the other side together. You know how to talk about your inner life, and you care about your partner’s inner life.  You trust this person, and you do your best to be trustworthy for them.

True love takes time. It’s a deeper connection than infatuation. You both care deeply about how the other feels. You are entwined in all aspects of each other’s lives, and you’ve met his/her family and friends. You face the world together, as partners. Everything else orbits around the two of you in the center.

Infatuation is fun. True love isn’t always fun, but it’s always worthwhile. And once you’ve had it, it will be easier to tell the difference. I’m interested in your opinion – what are other ways you can tell the difference between infatuation and love?

 

*or the three of you…etc. Yes, I think you can be in love with more than one person at once. As long as it’s consensual on everyone’s part and there’s no secrecy, who am I to judge? But that’s probably a whole different post…. 

Image credit: nyoin on Flickr

I hear a lot of people worrying “I care too much what other people think.”

First off, do you know what we call people who really, truly don’t care what others think? Anti-social psychopaths. So stop judging yourself. We’re social creatures, and the way we learn appropriate social behavior is that we see others reacting to us when we’re inappropriate. If we’re normal, we take that feedback and adjust accordingly. It’s a good feedback loop.

However….part of growing up is developing an identity and deciding what kind of person we want to be and what kind of life we want to create. And we don’t want other people making those decisions for us – especially as we get older.

What we have to realize is that almost everyone has their own agenda, which is usually to make themselves feel OK about their decisions. When others are judging you and your actions, it may be because they’re not OK with their own actions and are therefore using their judgments of you to make themselves feel better.

George Carlin had a great line about this: “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” It happens in parenting, too. Have you ever noticed that parents with stricter rules than you are control freaks, and parents with less strict rules “don’t know how to say no?”

The end result is that you’re going to get judged. That’s what people do. Deal with it. People who are more rigid than you are will think you’re a slacker. People who are less rigid than you will think you’re uptight. The only people who will think you’re perfect are the people who are doing it exactly the same way you are. And there’s no one who is going to do everything exactly the same way as you, so the bottom line is, no one is going to think you’re perfect all the time.

So….how do you stop letting the judgments of others dictate your behavior? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. What would I do if no one had to know? Let’s say you live in a bubble where you didn’t have to deal with anyone’s reaction to your decision. Would you drop out of law school and go weave textiles? Would you wear leggings and flip flops because they’re comfortable? Answering this question will give you an idea of where you authentically stand on an issue.

2. Do I agree with the people who might judge me? Let’s take two women with small children. One really doesn’t care how she looks as long as she’s comfortable. The other is the put-together, attractively styled mom who I have to admit I’ve been guilty of judging before, because I’m more like the former. But, both ways of being are perfectly legitimate.

The first might ask herself this question and conclude: “No, in fact, I don’t want to spend much energy deciding what to wear and doing my hair. It’s just not that important to me right now.” The other might think, “I know my friends think I’m vain. But it makes me feel happier and more productive when I know I look put together, so that’s what I’m choosing to do for myself. It’s how I take care of myself as a mom.” Both of these mothers should feel comfortable with their decision. Their decisions are authentic and honest.

But if these two women were considering office attire, it might be different. For example, someone who’s been accused of dressing too casually at the office might conclude: “These people have been in business a lot longer than I have. They think that wearing a suit reflects a certain amount of professionalism that’s important for clients to see. They may have a point. “

In another example, how about: “I’m sorry Mom and Dad are furious with me for not coming home for Christmas, but we have to be fair and spend at least one holiday with my in-laws. We’ll be with Mom and Dad for 2 weeks this summer and I think that’s fair.”

Or, “Mom and Dad are furious with me for not coming home for Christmas. They’re putting me through college and I haven’t been home in a year. They may have a point.”

3. Believe you can tolerate disapproval. No, really, it’s not going to kill you. If your relationship with whoever you’re worried about is strong enough, it will survive differences in opinion. If it isn’t strong enough, do you really want to live the rest of your life doing whatever this particular person thinks you should do? If you have thought through your decision, stand strong. You’re making your best guess about the right road to take, and that’s the best any of us can really do.