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To me, Mother’s Day is a bigger deal than my birthday. I don’t remember making a choice about being born, and as I get older, frankly, I’m not as  thrilled about celebrating that I’m one year closer to death. (Remember when I told you that optimism doesn’t come naturally to me? Like now.)

But I did make a choice about becoming a mother. Twice, in fact. I chose this life of dirty socks, underwear, piles of crap everywhere, meals that sit untouched as a young one complains about being hungry, surreptitiously helping to readjust athletic cups, rooms that never stay clean and sticky floors. I chose to be handed things out of a child’s mouth when he decides that swallowing is just something he doesn’t feel like doing.

I chose to never go to the bathroom unaccompanied, to listen to wailing about math homework that’s too hard or contains too many problems, to get kicked in the ribs when a young one decides to share our queen-size bed, to always share my fries or ice cream.

I chose worrying about all the things that are out of my control, terrors that could steal them away and keep them from reaching adulthood. Worrying that they’d be bullied. Worrying that they would become the bully.

Mothering is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There are days when it’s harder than others. A friend of mine and I were talking this morning about how some days, you just have to say to yourself, “OK, today, I wasn’t the mother I want to be. Maybe tomorrow.”

I am not the mother I wanted to be. I think I expected all my selfishness would just leave me and I’d happily put everything aside for my child. I thought that’s what happened when you had a baby.

Boy, was I wrong. I look at my childless friends and the trips they’re taking, or the time they have to take classes, pursue interests, and I envy them. I wouldn’t trade my kids for that, no, but man, there are so many times I wish I could have both.

I am far less patient that I’d like. Sometimes I’m downright mean. Sometimes I just want them to leave me alone. But I chose this life, and frankly, I want some recognition for everything I’ve given up. The selfish part, it turns out, didn’t go away.

So, Mother’s Day is really important to me, and I deserve it. And so do all the other mothers out there who have carved huge pieces out of their hearts and lives trying to bring good, happy people into the world.  (And dads too – but Father’s Day is in June). I deserve it for all the times I didn’t scream. For the times I gave them birthday parties instead of buying myself a new dress. For the 100,000th explanation of how you borrow and regroup in double-digit subtraction. For the 64th drawing of Thomas the Train Engine that day. For the hours I spent listening to how you built your Minecraft world when, honestly, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m just glad you still like to talk to me.

We are not perfect mothers, any of us. And sometimes, this mothering gig is really freakin’ hard. Today’s links celebrate the Imperfect Mother.

A few years ago, Alice at Finslippy had a tough day with her son and begged for bad parents stories to make her feel better. She got a ton, and they were awesome. Ridiculously awesome. I have them bookmarked.

Janelle Hanchett at Brain, Child wrote a thought-provoking piece about her failures as a mother. I love in her bio that she writes, “I didn’t write the story of my alcoholism for a long time, not because I was ashamed, but because I didn’t feel like I should be congratulated for taking on responsibilities that were always mine.”

A friend of mine from high school, Laurie Kilmartin, gathered some other crappy moms and wrote Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us. It’s funny and irreverent, and takes on the sanctimonious parenting advice we all hear.

Speaking of sanctimonious, have you heard of the term Sanctimommy? Hell, I’ve been Sanctimommy sometimes. We all have, because this parenting thing is anxiety-provoking and we want validation that we’re doing the right thing. So we judge other parents who make different choices. Sometimes it’s good to laugh at it, though, so you could follow Sanctimommy on Facebook for some perspective.

Celebrate your Imperfect Mom and/or celebrate your imperfection as a mother this Sunday.  We all deserve it.

 

 

They say we teach what we need to learn ourselves. I am not naturally organized, but I love organizing and being organized. I love helping others get organized because I’ve fought all the demons – hoarding tendencies, perfectionism, procrastination, being easily distractable, myself. I completely understand the obstacles.

I also think that organizing and purging can be a spiritual practice. The space surrounding us often becomes a reflection of our inner life. If our minds are cluttered and distracted, our spaces will be, too.

I think we need to periodically let go of things we’ve been holding onto but don’t need anymore. Doing this in our physical space can translate to more openness and more room for new experiences in our emotional and relational lives.

Here are a few of my favorite resources:

Books

Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui

I love this book. I keep returning to it over and over and have learned not to loan it to friends because

they want to keep it, too. (Disclaimer – I am an Amazon affiliate and if you purchase the book through this link, I get a tiny stipend. No pressure, though, get it at the library if you can find it).

Lighten Up!: Free Yourself from Clutter

I’ve read a lot of organizing and simplifying books, and here’s another book I love. I use this visualization from the book sometimes when I’m stuck or overwhelmed by deciding what to keep and what to donate: I imagine everything I own on my front lawn, me in a comfortable lounge chair, maybe with a fruity drink, and people at my beck and call. Each item is held up for my perusal. If it’s an important item, I tell them to take it back into the house. If it’s not, they get rid of it (I like to think of it being donated – I throw out as little as possible into the trash) and I don’t have to deal with it anymore. That helps me remember not to keep something I don’t love just because I don’t know what else to do with it.

Pinterest

If you get overwhelmed by all the organizing sites out there, collect them on Pinterest, The above link takes you to my organizing board, where I keep all the links I’m interested in. On Pinterest, you can make boards for any topic that interests you, and collect your links. The great part is that you can follow others’ boards who have similar interests. There are several good organization boards:

Organize Anything Group Board:

Now, I have a love-hate relationship with group boards. I love the ideas, I hate it when they clutter my pinterest stream. I’ve had to unfollow some of the more prolific ones. But knowing this one’s there is great when I am specifically looking for organizing ideas.

Organized by Melissa Blake:

She writes the Bowl Full of Lemons blog, and although I was seduced by the bright colors, she has a well-done blog, too.

Web Sites

FlyLady:

The original. I first heard about Fly Lady over 10 years ago. Although her website needs modernizing, and you have to comb through all the ideas to choose the ones that work for you, the basic ideas are still really helpful for anyone who is easily overwhelmed. My favorite ideas:

Baby Steps – don’t try to get it all done at once. Every small step is a good one.

Even housework done badly blesses your family. The idea that doing something badly is better than not doing it at all is not one I’m used to. But in this case, it gets you past your perfectionism to just do something, already.

Routines: Make up a morning routine including all the things you need to do and do it. Swish the toilet, wipe the sink, get the stuff ready for dinner, Do it every morning without even thinking about it. Routines work for the rest of the week, too. For example, Tuesday and Thursday are laundry days. Sunday is menu planning and Tuesday is grocery shopping. Thursday – clean the bathrooms, Friday – clean the kitchen, the guinea pig cage and vacuum. Take the weekend off.

 

Unf*ck Your Habitat

A Tumblr site that bills itself as “Terrifying motivation for lazy people with messy homes.” Worth a look if you’re not offended by the F-word that gets used liberally here. People post their before and after pics and it’s nice to see there are some habitats more messed up than yours. There’s an app to go with it, to, to help you organize your goals.

 

Photo courtesy of IDEAleemade on Flickr

 

 

Right now I have a Spotify station called “Study Music” playing. When I’m mopping the floor, I like Erasure (yes, I did come of age in the 80’s). I’ve taught my boys all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody, including the Wayne-and-Garth compulsory head banging at the intro to the rock section. I play music whenever I can, although I do appreciate silence more since I had kids, so that’s OK too. Mostly, though, music. 

Music is so important to me that I had a 90-minute cassette tape filled with possible wedding songs before I even met my husband. I didn’t care so much about the colors, the dress, etc., but I had the music already chosen. I also don’t particularly care what kind of funeral people plan for me, if any, after I pass – but just in case there’s music, I have it already picked out. (I don’t trust anyone else to really pick the music that reflects me…maybe a bit of a control issue there? Really, I’m just afraid someone’s going to pick “Wind Beneath My Wings” and I’m going to have to come back and haunt them. I’d rather have “Do You Realize,” by the Flaming Lips).

Intuitively, we know music is important. It’s important both culturally and personally. There’s a whole discipline in psychotherapy devoted to music therapy. There are some concrete ways music can help us heal:

1. Reducing blood pressure

Dr. Mark Miller at University of Maryland has been researching the effects of music on physiological responses. He’s found that listening to music that pleases us actually relaxes and opens blood vessels.  Listening to music that makes you anxious constricts the blood vessels. Interestingly, the participants chose their own music based on what brought them joy, not on what researchers decided was joyful or “happy” music. Meditative music increased dilation by about 11%, while joyful music increased it by 26%.

Also interesting, researchers are working on using specific kinds of music to help retrain injured brains.

2. Building Community

Social outlets, chances for connections with others, are so important. But not everyone is up for a mixer where you stand around and chat. A wonderful way to gain that connection is to either play or sing with others. JoAnn Jordin, a Music Therapist, talks about the different ways music can build community.

There’s a crazy number of choirs listed on Choral.net if you’re looking for one near you.

Many organizations have programs for parents and kids (usually preschoolers) to enjoy music together. One of my favorites to do with my boys was Music Together.

3. Increase Dopamine

Dopamine is a chemical in the brain, and it’s involved in the reward and pleasure feedback loops, so it’s heavily involved in pleasure and motivation. Lots of things increase dopamine: Beer, sex, chocolate and music.

10 Songs that Will Get You High

I haven’t looked at the original research, but Dr. Joel Robertson lists types of music that he says will boost other brain chemicals, like serotonin: Music to Balance Your Brain

4. Getting Your Heart Rate Up

Anyone who’s done cardiovascular exercise to music knows that what you listen to through your earbuds can make or break a workout. Enjoying the music as well as the rate (BPM) of the music has a huge effect on how hard you work. I have some bookmarked sites to find music that helped me find music that corresponded with the speed I wanted to run:

Rock My Run

Jog.FM

Motion Traxx: has a good app for downloading the right beat and length of a run

5. Honoring Others and Grieving

From Music Therapist Rachelle Norman: “Soloist Fred Knittle performs “Fix You” just a short time after the death of his friend Bob Salvini, the man who was supposed to sing it with him as a duet.”

The musical group is known as The Young at Heart Chorus.

When a very close friend of mine passed away suddenly, her husband lent me her iPod, so I could see her playlists. I copied the playlists* and when I’m missing her, I listen to them. I think of those songs as “Lisa’s music,” and it helps me feel her presence. A love of music was one of the things we shared, and her songs are one of the many gifts she gave me.

 *not the actual recordings, RIAA, calm down

 

Related articles

• Music therapy strikes a chord
• Music is like a Drug.
• Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star: How singing to babies makes them healthier

Positive Psychology isn’t all about staying cheery and happy. In fact, positive psychology is rooted in trauma research.

Psychologists started wondering why some victims of trauma ended up with severed PTSD and others, who had gone through the exact same experiences, seemed to bounce back more quickly.

This quality, resiliency, is the foundation of the positive psychology field. What creates it? Can it be developed or strengthened?

We’ve been through a lot this past week. We’re still going through it. Boston, background checks, Texas, Watertown. Positive psychology doesn’t deny that sh*t happens. But the research is figuring out how to help us not get destroyed by it.

The magic of the internet has brought us a lot of hope and tips on how to keep this continued trauma from ruining our lives.

Hard-Wired to Bounce Back

Written by a social worker who specializes in resiliency, this is a good summary of the research, with practical suggestions for strengthening characteristics that increase resiliency.

Helping Children Through: Several Links

I imagined what I would do if I was in Watertown this morning, keeping my kids inside…what would I tell them? How do you balance honesty, teaching common sense caution, while not terrifying your children?

Robyn Gobbel, MSW, works with families and children who have been traumatized. Here are her suggestions for helping children cope.

Talking to Children About Disasters: From the American Psychiatric Associatio

Tips for Resilience in the Face of Horror

Fred Rogers Company: At the bottom of this page, there are some good tips for parents. I especially like the one about letting your kids know if you’re donating or providing a service in response to the trauma, and letting them be a part of it.

Coping with Traumatic Stress

I have a background in crisis management, and was trained as a Critical Incident Stress Debriefer. The primary thing was to get people to talk about their experience. We need to talk about it, and be heard. We need to talk about it more than once, usually. Find people to talk to, people who will hear you.

Emotional Recovery After a Disaster

Stephen Joseph, Ph.D., has written a book, “What Doesn’t Kill Us: The New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth.” He goes over research on people who have become stronger, who have found new meaning after trauma:

Is it trauma or is it a negative attitude towards expression of emotion that causes PTSD? 

Collection of links on posttraumatic growth, including some TED talks and interviews. 

Staying Hopeful

I remember, after 9/11, reading the famous quote by Fred Rogers: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

Bottom line: Most people are good and want to help. Most of this world is still beautiful. We have each other. Most of us are trying to raise our children to make this a better world. There is ALWAYS hope. And no hateful people, no bombers, no extremists are going to take that away from us.

(P.S. – I don’t have the original source for the graphic above. If anyone knows where it origina

 

 

 

 

Related articles

• Resilience after trauma
• Turning Things Around: Growth in the Face of Trauma
• The Family Story of Trauma: Ways to Heal the Legacy

I believe mindfulness is really at the heart of all healing. The ability to observe without judgement just makes everything so much easier. 

My first experience with mindfulness was the opening paragraph of a book where a woman plunges into cold water, voluntarily, for a morning swim. When I first walk into cold water, it’s usually a lake where my sons are begging me to come in, my muscles are clenched, my face is already twisted up and my first reaction is usually “Oh My GOD THIS IS COLD.” It’s unpleasant, to say the least, until I get used to it, and might even involve some under-the-breath swearing.

But in this story, the woman reminds herself that the feeling of the cold water on her skin is just a sensation, not inherently good or bad, and encourages herself to notice the tingling but not to judge it as pleasant or unpleasant.

That idea was completely eye-opening to me. Seriously? You can do that? I started trying it out with other sensations, like music I thought I didn’t like, food I’d already rejected, and especially emotions. I still gasp when I enter a cold pool or lake, but it’s really not as bad as I used to make it.

This all happened in conjunction with a gifted supervisor telling me that my job was to convince clients to be curious about their inner life before judging and trying to change it. The idea that I could describe my emotions without shame and without judgement was a new one, and it has influenced both my life and my professional work forever.

It wasn’t until several years later that I realized all this fits under the umbrella of mindfulness.

Now, I don’t practice mindfulness meditation that often, to be honest. I do practice its teachings daily. Even if you’re convinced you can’t sit still for 15 minutes, here are some on-line resources to help you integrate some mindfulness into your life:

 

Mindfulness Therapy for Phobias

Dr. Peter Strong describes how a structured mindfulness meditation therapy can work on a phobia of spiders. But you can take some of these ideas and apply them to whatever specific thing you’ve attached your anxiety to, whether it’s flying, elevators or snakes.

 

Mindful Eating

I also firmly believe that mindful eating is the way out of disordered eating. This New York Times article describes the path of mindful eating.

It reminds me of the Zen story of the master and student sharing an orange, The student pops a segment in his mouth and reaches for another. The master says, in effect, “Hey, buddy, you haven’t finished the one in your mouth yet. Why are you already going for the next one?” By reaching for the next bite, the student’s not fully experiencing the part he’s eating.

One of my favorite blogs, Zenhabits, also has a quick run-down on how to incorporate mindful eating into your meal. 

 

Mindful Walking

Taking a mindful walk is a really quick way to ground yourself in the here and now. Dr. Salters-Pedneault has written, in About.com’s mental health section, an accessible guide to taking a mindful walk that you can do as soon as you get up from the computer.

 

Mindful Breathing

“I do deep breathing, it doesn’t work,” I hear over and over in my office. Most people have learned to take big breaths to relax, but that’s not really the point of mindful breathing. Yes, breathing into the belly rather than the chest is more relaxing. But it doesn’t stop there. The point of mindful breathing is to pay attention. Pay attention to the breath as it enters your body, and as it leaves. That’s it. Notice the thoughts that come and go, but let them float away and return your attention to the breath. By doing that, we’re honoring the here and now, what’s in this moment, rather than all the fantasy lands our minds want to take us to. And gradually, we get more control over that part of our brain that sometimes feels so out of control.

The above link gives you a good start. If you want a little more variety, try these three exercises from Dr. Andrew Weil.

 

So there you have breathing, eating and walking: Three things you do every day (hopefully). Start simple, and in my experience, mindfulness grows like potted bamboo – easy to grow, easy to take care of, but not taking over everything in your life. Instead, it helps you focus on those things you actually want to focus on. 

Howdy all! Happy Friday!

I’m taking a break from regular blog posting while my boys are on Spring Break. But today’s Full-Color Friday topic is one of my favorites: Positive Psychology, so I don’t want to miss it.

 

 Martin Seligman & Authentic Happiness

 

Martin Seligman, a leader in the field, has lots of resources on his website. Try out some of the questionnaires. I haven’t filled out all of them, and once I do I’ll be back with the ones I think are most helpful. But it’s a good way to start thinking about how to strengthen some of the characteristics associated with happiness.

 

Also: A TED talk I’ve enjoyed by Seligman

 

 

 The Greater Good Institute

 

Out of U.C. Berkeley (Go Bears!) comes a great website full of resources, articles and newsletters. I especially like the  Raising Happiness section by Christine Carter, author of the book by the same name. Sign up for their newsletter for a dose of good news in your in-box.

 

 

 

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi & Flow

 

Csikszentmihalyi, who’s kind of a big deal, introduced us to the idea of “Flow,” or getting so involved with something that time seems to stop. He believes that seeking Flow experiences is what gives meaning to our life, and also helps us cope with trauma and the inherent pain that life brings. Here’s a TED talk where he discusses how he got interested in resiliency, creativity and flow.

 

 

Psychology Today’s Roundup

 

As Positive Psychology gets more popular, that bastion of pop psychology, Psychology Today, has posted quite a few articles about it. As much as we therapists bash Psychology Today for not being academic enough, it really does summarize some key concepts pretty well. And, they have a pretty good directory for finding therapists in  your area.

I’ll be writing more about positive psychology research and how to use it practically. It’s one of my favorite subjects, and I definitely get into the “flow” while talking about it.

Here in northern California, the clouds are breaking up, so I’m going to go out and enjoy the sunshine!

 

 

Related articles

 

 

 

• 5 myths of positive psychology
• Positive Psychology.
• A New Website Designed for Employee Happiness, Zone Positive, is Now in Operation to Promote Flourishing and Productivity in the Workplace
• 10 Ways to the Art of Positive Psychology

 

 

You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming.  ~Pablo Neruda

 

With apologies to my friends who are still under several feet of snow, it’s SPRING! here in California.

My favorite things about Spring:

 

The blooming jasmine. Man, is there a better smell? (Citrus blossoms come close).

 

Longer daylight hours. I realize the days are the same length in the winter, but doesn’t it seem like you have more time when it’s still light out after dinner?

 

Blooming bulbs. I just found out today that there’s this guy who living in the East Bay who opens up his gardens for people to tour. He has 5200 bulbs blooming in his backyard. One of my relatives lives in the Sierra foothills and has a huge daffodil hill by her house, lovingly cultivated over the years. Every year she celebrates the beauty outside her window. Macy’s has their annual flower show this weekend, too.

 

Spring is all about rejuvenation and rebirth. The Spring Equinox has been a time to celebrate rebirth for thousands of years. It’s no coincidence that Christianity’s greatest honoring of rebirth and new life happens around the same time. Here are some ideas for celebrating the new life of Spring:

 

Spring Clean Your Mind

 

What old, dusty thoughts and beliefs are you hanging onto? The traditional spring cleaning of our houses is a ritual that mirrors what we need to to do inside. Open the windows of your mind, let the fresh thoughts in. I love these ideas from the Get Organized Wizard.

 

Another simple idea is to make a list of things you want to let go of. Tear up this paper, and throw it in the recycling. Make a new list, in bright colors, preferably, of things you want to birth in the this season. Put it somewhere you can see it.

 

What have you been putting off? Are there decisions you need to make, friends you need to contact, actions you need to take? Now, in the season of new growth, is the time to commit to making them. Add these to your list.

 

Bring Flowers Inside

 

Pick your favorite spring flower – tulips, daffodils, freesia – and bring some inside. Let the scent remind you of the energy that all living things spread to whatever’s around them. What energy/scent do you want to spread?

 

Plan Your Garden

 

Even the smallest balcony can hold a container or two. If you don’t have a balcony, ask the apartment manager if you can put a few containers somewhere on the property. Promise to share the tomatoes with them. Plant some small herb pots on your windowsill and watch them grow.

 

Dance

 

Most cultures celebrate the turn of the seasons from Winter to Spring with rituals, and almost all of them involve some sort of dancing. Remember the Maypole? If you can dance outside, so much the better. Put on some happy music and move. Barbara Bizou lists some other ways you can celebrate Spring with rituals.

 

The wheel of the year turns surely and slowly, and we are at our best when we honor its rhythms. Spring is a time for newness, for letting go of the heavy cloak of winter and going barefoot. What’s your favorite way to celebrate Spring?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Contrary to popular opinion, psychotherapists do not have it all together all the time. Doing therapy and doing life are completely different skill sets. I’ve learned a lot about myself and how to be happy from being a therapist, but I get sidetracked and overwhelmed as much as anybody else.

Hence, this week’s theme for Full-Color Friday: Self-Care. When I find myself feeling exhausted and cranky, I know there are some steps I need to take to get back on track.

1. Sleep

I got an iPad as a birthday/Christmas present last year, and it’s awesome. It’s also keeping me up later, as I love to snuggle in the covers of my bed and browse blogs and especially Pinterest. Not good. I’m fiercely protective of my sleep, and with two boys who have to get off to school in the morning, sleeping later in the morning is not an option.

Unfortunately, the blue light that electronics emit are disruptive to sleep patterns. So, goodnight iPad. I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to turn you off by 9pm. It’s back to books for me.

2. Exercise

I have to learn, over and over, that getting my heart rate up regularly helps my sleep, helps my brain and helps my mood. I absolutely know this to be true, but when I’m busy, exercise tends to be the first thing to go.

And I know I’m not the only one.

I don’t need research to tell me this, I’ve experienced it. But in case you’re wondering, here’s an article on research that suggests exercising your body also helps your brain functions.  

3. Time in Nature

This isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but being around green things, trees, trails, or even just working in the garden, is tremendously peaceful for me.

If you’re looking for trails near you, try Rails-to-Trails. They work to convert unused rail lines into trails, and have a Trail Finder on their website to help you find what’s close to you.

4. Mindfulness

The longer I do therapy, the more I’m convinced that mindfulness is the key to life. As Jung said, our neuroses really arise from our inability to tolerate pain. Pain is part of life and we’re not going to change that. But, our ability to tolerate life’s ebbs and flows are increased incredibly when we practice mindfulness.

Put simply, mindfulness is the practice of bringing oneself into the present moment. For example, in this moment, I have a roof over my head. I’ve eaten, so I’m not hungry. My kids are safe, my husband is safe, everyone I love is safe in this moment. Everything’s as it should be, in this moment. I notice where my thoughts go, but I’m not attached to them.

Mindfulness practice helps you have some distance from thoughts and feelings so that they don’t overwhelm you. Thoughts and feelings are bits of information, but they’re not facts. If you have some distance from them, you can evaluate them more clearly.

It’s called a practice because it takes practice. There are so many benefits, and because it’s getting more mainstream attention, there are many resources out there, too.

Holistic Benefits of Mindfulness

Mindfulness Exercises for Everyday Life

Practicing Mindfulness

Mindfulness Podcasts from UCLA

 

Today I’m doing some mindful housekeeping, because I have a hard time relaxing unless my home’s in order (this seems to be something that came upon me in my 40’s. I certainly had no problem relaxing among chaos in my teens and 20’s).

I’m going to seed some new vegetables, get some sun on my face, and listen to the birds. I’ll put on some mellow music and prepare dinner early.

Then I’ll go pick the boys up from school and I’ll see if I’m still cranky and exhausted. I’m pretty sure I won’t be.

 

More posts like this from my colleagues:

Self-Care Isn’t Selfish from Rachelle Norman

Walking My Walk from Allison Andrews, Psy.D. ‘

Self-Care When Things Aren’t Perfect from Ann Becker-Schutte,

Do-it-Yourself Self Care Blog Hop at James and Jax

 

When you can’t take yourself away for a week-long spa retreat, what do you do to take care of yourself? How do you know when you need to?

 

I interrupt the regularly scheduled writing on the character traits of happy people to bring you this newsflash: Not everyone has to agree with you.

In fact, many people probably won’t. And that’s fine. Don’t take it personally. More importantly, don’t take their judgments as fact. YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary.

Barista at Starbucks was snarky to you? It’s probably not about you. Don’t let it ruin your day.

Other mothers giving you the stinkeye because you’re on your iPhone answering work e-mails while at the playground? Shrug.

Now, I’m saying this to myself as much as I am to you. I, too, want people to approve of me. I also like it when someone else tells me they think I’m a good mom. I, too, take exception when someone puts down something/music/movie/WHATEVER I love.

But that’s not doing me any good. It’s not doing you any good, either.

The initial reaction is normal. But you don’t have to get attached to it. You can think, “OK, but do I really care what they think? Am I going to let it determine my behavior? Do I really think I’m doing something wrong here?”

If the answer is no, LET IT GO. No more energy should go to it. Don’t take it personally. My favorite of the Four Agreements is “Don’t take anything personally.” Remember, YMMV.

The happiest people in my office (yes, happy people come see me, too) are the ones who are OK with their friends and co-workers being different, having different opinions, lifestyles, and paces.

They don’t feel their friends need to change to suit them, and more importantly, they don’t feel they need to change to suit their friends. To each his own, and all that.

It’s a really important ability to cultivate. I think it’s one of the most important.

 

 Part 9 of a 10-part series on the characteristics of happy people

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” 
– Mahatma Ghandi

I know most teachers do their best to promote a love of learning in their students, but I found that the Montessori method really encouraged my kids to explore what they were interested in. Whenever they started a new unit, my son would want to go to the library and get whatever extra books on the subject he could find. He’d also take a small notebook out to our backyard to observe and make notes. He started a classroom newspaper, encouraged by the teachers, detailing what flowers were blooming outside and which ones were fading (my husband and I referred to this, tongue-in-cheek, as “The Dead Flower Report”).

Something happens to us as adults, and it’s like we think that we’re done with learning just for the fun of it. We go to work, do our jobs, come home, do chores and fall into a stupor in front of the TV, until it’s time to go to bed. Then we wake up and do the same thing all over again. Most of us don’t think we have time to explore new interests, or, as I can attest to, our brains just feel too tired and full sometimes.

But can you remember what it felt like to be really interested in something? To forget that time was passing, and to just want to know more?

When was the last time you heard yourself say, “Hey, I learned something interesting today….”

Continuing to learn keeps our brains active and healthy, our minds engaged and our spirits up.

Of course, I know you don’t have time right now to take another class. Maybe you have no interest in going back to school at all. But there has to be some subject that catches your interest.

Many of the happiest retirees are the ones who use their new freedom to learn new things, whether it’s a new skill like painting, or a language.

Sometime, maybe when you’re waiting in line, instead of pulling out your phone to check your e-mail, let your mind wander….if time and money were no object, what would you like to learn more about? Politics, culture, art? Science?

Make a list for yourself. You may not have time to go pursue a degree in these subjects right now, but you could find some interesting websites that have more information. You could probably find a book at the library on one of them. Or listen to a podcast.

It will not only make you more interested, it will also make you more interesting.