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I saw this on a friend’s feed today and had to grab it. So simple, but so well said. Feminism supports women, of course, but it also supports men. Feminism fights against the idea that men shouldn’t display traditionally “feminine” characteristics, like tears, sensitivity, etc.

eliza-lou-riley:

Boys, protect girls. Call people out when they make offensive jokes. Stand up to those who treat girls like objects. Walk a girl home if she feels unsafe. Listen to them and be considerate of their feelings. Destroy that myth that women are inferior.

 

Girls, protect boys. Call people out when they make fun of a boy for showing emotion. Stand up to those who tell boys to ‘man up.’ Support boys who enjoy feminine things. Destroy the myth that men can’t be victims and that women can’t be predators.

Boys, protect boys. Protect your bros from violent relationships. Comfort your bros when they need somebody. Stand up for your bros who are ridiculed for not wanting/liking sex. Destroy the myth that two men can’t be close without it being “gay.”

Girls, protect girls. Defend sisters who enjoy having sex. Stand up to those who define sisters for what they wear. Don’t judge your sister’s worth from how many boyfriend’s she’s had. Destroy the myth that girls have to constantly compete with each other.

The study about praise from parents creating narcissistic kids out of the University of Ohio,  discussed in this NPR article, is making the rounds right now, and some of the ways it’s being interpreted are making me cringe.

It sounds like this study is another in a series of “kids today have too much self-esteem, we need to knock them down a peg or two” findings, but it’s not. Here are some things for parents to consider:

1. First off, what’s narcissism?

Narcissism looks like an extreme sense of self-worth. Narcissists feel entitled to special treatment, tend to only see their own point of view and lack empathy. They also absolutely reject criticism of any kind.

The thing is, narcissism in adults is usually a defense against an internal self-loathing. Narcissists have what we call primary narcissistic wounding, which we think arises from a lack of empathy from early caregivers. Infants and toddlers need to have their basic needs met as well as love, empathy and affection from caregivers. When these are withheld, the basic sense of security that we are OK and the world is basically safe doesn’t develop.

It’s like they have this black hole inside that nothing can fill. It’s too scary to acknowledge it, so they build these defenses of narcissism to prevent having to open it up. They build these defenses by carefully constructing a persona, or outer appearance, of being perfect. Anything that scratches that surface to reveal the imperfect inside is rejected and fought against. That’s why they reject people who don’t reflect back their perfect image of themselves. They’ll come up with really crazy stories when caught in a lie, and you’ll think, “You really expect me to believe that?” They ignore signs that people are seeing through their carefully constructed veneer.

It’s all really an attempt to avoid the huge black hole of pain inside, and it’s not the same thing as grandiose self-esteem, although it can look like it. True narcissists are actually very fragile inside.

2. These are kids.

The researchers looked at kids from 8 -12 years old, and admit, “Every child is a narcissist.” By the time they’re 12, their peers have beaten their self-esteem up a bit. The problem, though, is that kids that are 12 are still pretty labile, and are heading into a time of hormones and intensity, if they’re not already there. They fluctuate madly between feeling on top of the world and feeling like the scum of the earth.

3. The paradox of confidence

The paradox of confidence is that feeling confident and having true self-worth actually comes from admitting and accepting your faults, and still being OK with yourself. That’s what we need to teach kids.

Please don’t stop praising your kids, they need to feel that they’re special to you. But you can also teach them to follow rules that are set up for fairness, to have empathy for others, and to wait their turn. They need to believe that you really see them, with their strengths and their weaknesses, and that your love isn’t conditional to their performance.

I’m not saying there aren’t kids out there who feel genuinely entitled and better than their peers, there are. I know a few. But what I don’t want people to miss is that this study distinguishes between training your kid to feel entitled and making them feel loved. I liked that at the end of the NPR article, it quotes the main researcher as suggestion parents just tell their kid that they love them. “It’s what you mean, and it’s a much better message,” says Dr. Bushman.

Last week a Buzzfeed post was going around on Facebook: How Many Basic Life Skills Do You Have?  A friend of mine wisely pointed out that none of these 100 Essential Life Skills were relationship skills.

I think if you’re able to have good relationships, you can probably find someone to help you “cook meat to a desired level.”

So here are my top 5 relationship skills. In putting together this list, I’m thinking mainly about romantic/love relationships, but they work for friendships, too.

1. Know How to Listen

Because I’ve been a Professional Listener for over 20 years, sometimes I forget that it’s actually a learned skill. I’m usually reminded how few people really know how to listen when I spend time with someone who isn’t a good listener.

First off, listening is *not* waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can share your story. Listening involves really following what someone is saying, and then asking questions to clarify or deepen your understanding of what the other person is saying. Listening involves having a reaction to what the other person is saying: do you let your face reflect your surprise, sorrow, anger, or enjoyment as your partner is talking? Do your comments reflect that you’ve understood what they’re saying?

Are you able to figure out the difference between someone really needing to vent or be heard, and to stay quieter at those times, and a conversation where the other person has the energy and ability to listen to you, too?

 

2. Know How to Apologize

True apologies don’t contain the word “but.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” is also not a true apology. If you’re sad that your partner is hurt but you really don’t think you did anything wrong, say that.

Don’t apologize if you didn’t do anything wrong. If there’s disagreement about that, you have to talk it out so you and your partner can figure out where the disconnect is.

If you have done something you’re sorry for, say it. Maybe even say it twice. I know – it’s hard. It’s hard to admit you’ve made a mistake. But a true apology goes a LONG way towards softening anger and maintaining connection. I’ve had partners tell me, “I can’t apologize because it gives them too much power.” And I always ask, “What exactly are you able to hold onto by withholding an apology? Your pride? Is it worth it?”

 

3. Know How to Fight Fair

When you share your life with someone, you’re going to have disagreements. There are going to be misunderstandings, and you’re going to make each other mad sometimes. That’s life. But knowing how to navigate through those times can make the difference between celebrating your 40th anniversary together, or once again paying the divorce lawyer.

Fighting fair means staying on topic. Figure out what the main point is that you want to get across, and stick to that. Take a time out to think if you have to. Most of us don’t think very clearly when emotions are running high. It’s a lot more productive to figure out that you need more help around the house and to say so, then to call your husband an F-ing asshole. If you’re furious, chances are pretty good that you’re going to come out with guns blazing, and your partner/co-worker/friend is going to feel attacked and nothing constructive is going to happen. Take a break to calm down and re-engage the rational part of your brain.

Fighting fair means no name calling. See above. The idea in fighting fair is to keep both of you from getting defensive and shutting down. Being mean is not going to further your interests. Ever. It just creates so much more hurt to clean up later.

Fighting fair also means not just getting your point across, but listening to your partner’s point of view. See #1.

 

4. Know How to Open Up

“What does it mean,’ he asked, ‘when she says she wants me to open up? I tell her how my day was. I tell her whatever she wants to know. I don’t know what else to do!”

Opening up means telling your partner about what’s going on inside you – what you’re thinking about your job, how you’re feeling about your parents’ aging, what is making you anxious, what is making you happy. Not everyone has practice articulating their inner life, and it’s possible your partner just isn’t used to anyone being interested in hearing about it.

Opening up is how we gain intimacy in relationships. It’s how we feel closer to each other. If you’re not very good at it, try to get better. That’s all anyone can really ask. A good faith effort goes a long way.

If you could open up, though, and are choosing not to, you may be withholding part of yourself from your partner, and your partner may be hurt by this. Some people are really all out there with everything, and some people hold their cards closer to their chest. It’s a personal decision, but if you’re partner continues to feel like you’re being distant or withholding, you might want to consider why you’d be afraid to be close to them.

 

5. Know When to Be Honest, and When to Be Kind. 

Yep, I’m gonna say it. Honesty is overrated. Sometimes kindness is more important. Where’s the line? You’ll have to figure that out for yourself. Just trust me when I say that very few couples make it through the long haul without sometimes choosing kindness over honesty.

I’m not talking about keeping huge secrets or betrayals. I’m talking about telling your wife she’s gorgeous even (maybe especially) when she’s not feeling gorgeous. I’m talking about not criticizing your husband for the way he folds towels, and just quietly refolding them yourself if you have to. Or swallowing your annoyance about them being late again when they finally show up flustered and upset about whatever delayed them.

People get very touchy when I bring this up. “Aren’t we supposed to be able to say anything? Are you asking me to put all my needs aside?”

Of course not. All I’m saying is, let’s have a little tact and common sense. How important is the complaint you’re about to lodge? Really, really important? You’re not going to be able to sleep unless you address it? Then by all means, have at it. Let your feelings be known.

But is it a minor annoyance and maybe your partner’s had a bad day? Eh….consider letting it go. Maybe next time it happens the timing will be better and you can gently bring it up. Maybe not.

 

 

These are both the skills that I think help my husband and I stay happily married, and the skills that I think have been most important for the couples I’ve worked with. I know there are more, and I’m sure I’ll be writing more about them in the future. If there’s one I haven’t listed that you think is vital, please mention it in the comments.

 

 

 

Hello all –  I’m taking a few weeks off to finish the school year, get ready for summer and take care of some personal matters. I’m always collecting topics to write about, and I’m excited to return mid-June with some really interesting subjects! Hope the weather is good where you are, and everyone enjoy the beginning of summer!

 

 

To me, Mother’s Day is a bigger deal than my birthday. I don’t remember making a choice about being born, and as I get older, frankly, I’m not as  thrilled about celebrating that I’m one year closer to death. (Remember when I told you that optimism doesn’t come naturally to me? Like now.)

But I did make a choice about becoming a mother. Twice, in fact. I chose this life of dirty socks, underwear, piles of crap everywhere, meals that sit untouched as a young one complains about being hungry, surreptitiously helping to readjust athletic cups, rooms that never stay clean and sticky floors. I chose to be handed things out of a child’s mouth when he decides that swallowing is just something he doesn’t feel like doing.

I chose to never go to the bathroom unaccompanied, to listen to wailing about math homework that’s too hard or contains too many problems, to get kicked in the ribs when a young one decides to share our queen-size bed, to always share my fries or ice cream.

I chose worrying about all the things that are out of my control, terrors that could steal them away and keep them from reaching adulthood. Worrying that they’d be bullied. Worrying that they would become the bully.

Mothering is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There are days when it’s harder than others. A friend of mine and I were talking this morning about how some days, you just have to say to yourself, “OK, today, I wasn’t the mother I want to be. Maybe tomorrow.”

I am not the mother I wanted to be. I think I expected all my selfishness would just leave me and I’d happily put everything aside for my child. I thought that’s what happened when you had a baby.

Boy, was I wrong. I look at my childless friends and the trips they’re taking, or the time they have to take classes, pursue interests, and I envy them. I wouldn’t trade my kids for that, no, but man, there are so many times I wish I could have both.

I am far less patient that I’d like. Sometimes I’m downright mean. Sometimes I just want them to leave me alone. But I chose this life, and frankly, I want some recognition for everything I’ve given up. The selfish part, it turns out, didn’t go away.

So, Mother’s Day is really important to me, and I deserve it. And so do all the other mothers out there who have carved huge pieces out of their hearts and lives trying to bring good, happy people into the world.  (And dads too – but Father’s Day is in June). I deserve it for all the times I didn’t scream. For the times I gave them birthday parties instead of buying myself a new dress. For the 100,000th explanation of how you borrow and regroup in double-digit subtraction. For the 64th drawing of Thomas the Train Engine that day. For the hours I spent listening to how you built your Minecraft world when, honestly, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m just glad you still like to talk to me.

We are not perfect mothers, any of us. And sometimes, this mothering gig is really freakin’ hard. Today’s links celebrate the Imperfect Mother.

A few years ago, Alice at Finslippy had a tough day with her son and begged for bad parents stories to make her feel better. She got a ton, and they were awesome. Ridiculously awesome. I have them bookmarked.

Janelle Hanchett at Brain, Child wrote a thought-provoking piece about her failures as a mother. I love in her bio that she writes, “I didn’t write the story of my alcoholism for a long time, not because I was ashamed, but because I didn’t feel like I should be congratulated for taking on responsibilities that were always mine.”

A friend of mine from high school, Laurie Kilmartin, gathered some other crappy moms and wrote Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us. It’s funny and irreverent, and takes on the sanctimonious parenting advice we all hear.

Speaking of sanctimonious, have you heard of the term Sanctimommy? Hell, I’ve been Sanctimommy sometimes. We all have, because this parenting thing is anxiety-provoking and we want validation that we’re doing the right thing. So we judge other parents who make different choices. Sometimes it’s good to laugh at it, though, so you could follow Sanctimommy on Facebook for some perspective.

Celebrate your Imperfect Mom and/or celebrate your imperfection as a mother this Sunday.  We all deserve it.

 

 

They say we teach what we need to learn ourselves. I am not naturally organized, but I love organizing and being organized. I love helping others get organized because I’ve fought all the demons – hoarding tendencies, perfectionism, procrastination, being easily distractable, myself. I completely understand the obstacles.

I also think that organizing and purging can be a spiritual practice. The space surrounding us often becomes a reflection of our inner life. If our minds are cluttered and distracted, our spaces will be, too.

I think we need to periodically let go of things we’ve been holding onto but don’t need anymore. Doing this in our physical space can translate to more openness and more room for new experiences in our emotional and relational lives.

Here are a few of my favorite resources:

Books

Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui

I love this book. I keep returning to it over and over and have learned not to loan it to friends because

they want to keep it, too. (Disclaimer – I am an Amazon affiliate and if you purchase the book through this link, I get a tiny stipend. No pressure, though, get it at the library if you can find it).

Lighten Up!: Free Yourself from Clutter

I’ve read a lot of organizing and simplifying books, and here’s another book I love. I use this visualization from the book sometimes when I’m stuck or overwhelmed by deciding what to keep and what to donate: I imagine everything I own on my front lawn, me in a comfortable lounge chair, maybe with a fruity drink, and people at my beck and call. Each item is held up for my perusal. If it’s an important item, I tell them to take it back into the house. If it’s not, they get rid of it (I like to think of it being donated – I throw out as little as possible into the trash) and I don’t have to deal with it anymore. That helps me remember not to keep something I don’t love just because I don’t know what else to do with it.

Pinterest

If you get overwhelmed by all the organizing sites out there, collect them on Pinterest, The above link takes you to my organizing board, where I keep all the links I’m interested in. On Pinterest, you can make boards for any topic that interests you, and collect your links. The great part is that you can follow others’ boards who have similar interests. There are several good organization boards:

Organize Anything Group Board:

Now, I have a love-hate relationship with group boards. I love the ideas, I hate it when they clutter my pinterest stream. I’ve had to unfollow some of the more prolific ones. But knowing this one’s there is great when I am specifically looking for organizing ideas.

Organized by Melissa Blake:

She writes the Bowl Full of Lemons blog, and although I was seduced by the bright colors, she has a well-done blog, too.

Web Sites

FlyLady:

The original. I first heard about Fly Lady over 10 years ago. Although her website needs modernizing, and you have to comb through all the ideas to choose the ones that work for you, the basic ideas are still really helpful for anyone who is easily overwhelmed. My favorite ideas:

Baby Steps – don’t try to get it all done at once. Every small step is a good one.

Even housework done badly blesses your family. The idea that doing something badly is better than not doing it at all is not one I’m used to. But in this case, it gets you past your perfectionism to just do something, already.

Routines: Make up a morning routine including all the things you need to do and do it. Swish the toilet, wipe the sink, get the stuff ready for dinner, Do it every morning without even thinking about it. Routines work for the rest of the week, too. For example, Tuesday and Thursday are laundry days. Sunday is menu planning and Tuesday is grocery shopping. Thursday – clean the bathrooms, Friday – clean the kitchen, the guinea pig cage and vacuum. Take the weekend off.

 

Unf*ck Your Habitat

A Tumblr site that bills itself as “Terrifying motivation for lazy people with messy homes.” Worth a look if you’re not offended by the F-word that gets used liberally here. People post their before and after pics and it’s nice to see there are some habitats more messed up than yours. There’s an app to go with it, to, to help you organize your goals.

 

Photo courtesy of IDEAleemade on Flickr

 

 

Right now I have a Spotify station called “Study Music” playing. When I’m mopping the floor, I like Erasure (yes, I did come of age in the 80’s). I’ve taught my boys all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody, including the Wayne-and-Garth compulsory head banging at the intro to the rock section. I play music whenever I can, although I do appreciate silence more since I had kids, so that’s OK too. Mostly, though, music. 

Music is so important to me that I had a 90-minute cassette tape filled with possible wedding songs before I even met my husband. I didn’t care so much about the colors, the dress, etc., but I had the music already chosen. I also don’t particularly care what kind of funeral people plan for me, if any, after I pass – but just in case there’s music, I have it already picked out. (I don’t trust anyone else to really pick the music that reflects me…maybe a bit of a control issue there? Really, I’m just afraid someone’s going to pick “Wind Beneath My Wings” and I’m going to have to come back and haunt them. I’d rather have “Do You Realize,” by the Flaming Lips).

Intuitively, we know music is important. It’s important both culturally and personally. There’s a whole discipline in psychotherapy devoted to music therapy. There are some concrete ways music can help us heal:

1. Reducing blood pressure

Dr. Mark Miller at University of Maryland has been researching the effects of music on physiological responses. He’s found that listening to music that pleases us actually relaxes and opens blood vessels.  Listening to music that makes you anxious constricts the blood vessels. Interestingly, the participants chose their own music based on what brought them joy, not on what researchers decided was joyful or “happy” music. Meditative music increased dilation by about 11%, while joyful music increased it by 26%.

Also interesting, researchers are working on using specific kinds of music to help retrain injured brains.

2. Building Community

Social outlets, chances for connections with others, are so important. But not everyone is up for a mixer where you stand around and chat. A wonderful way to gain that connection is to either play or sing with others. JoAnn Jordin, a Music Therapist, talks about the different ways music can build community.

There’s a crazy number of choirs listed on Choral.net if you’re looking for one near you.

Many organizations have programs for parents and kids (usually preschoolers) to enjoy music together. One of my favorites to do with my boys was Music Together.

3. Increase Dopamine

Dopamine is a chemical in the brain, and it’s involved in the reward and pleasure feedback loops, so it’s heavily involved in pleasure and motivation. Lots of things increase dopamine: Beer, sex, chocolate and music.

10 Songs that Will Get You High

I haven’t looked at the original research, but Dr. Joel Robertson lists types of music that he says will boost other brain chemicals, like serotonin: Music to Balance Your Brain

4. Getting Your Heart Rate Up

Anyone who’s done cardiovascular exercise to music knows that what you listen to through your earbuds can make or break a workout. Enjoying the music as well as the rate (BPM) of the music has a huge effect on how hard you work. I have some bookmarked sites to find music that helped me find music that corresponded with the speed I wanted to run:

Rock My Run

Jog.FM

Motion Traxx: has a good app for downloading the right beat and length of a run

5. Honoring Others and Grieving

From Music Therapist Rachelle Norman: “Soloist Fred Knittle performs “Fix You” just a short time after the death of his friend Bob Salvini, the man who was supposed to sing it with him as a duet.”

The musical group is known as The Young at Heart Chorus.

When a very close friend of mine passed away suddenly, her husband lent me her iPod, so I could see her playlists. I copied the playlists* and when I’m missing her, I listen to them. I think of those songs as “Lisa’s music,” and it helps me feel her presence. A love of music was one of the things we shared, and her songs are one of the many gifts she gave me.

 *not the actual recordings, RIAA, calm down

 

Related articles

• Music therapy strikes a chord
• Music is like a Drug.
• Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star: How singing to babies makes them healthier

Positive Psychology isn’t all about staying cheery and happy. In fact, positive psychology is rooted in trauma research.

Psychologists started wondering why some victims of trauma ended up with severed PTSD and others, who had gone through the exact same experiences, seemed to bounce back more quickly.

This quality, resiliency, is the foundation of the positive psychology field. What creates it? Can it be developed or strengthened?

We’ve been through a lot this past week. We’re still going through it. Boston, background checks, Texas, Watertown. Positive psychology doesn’t deny that sh*t happens. But the research is figuring out how to help us not get destroyed by it.

The magic of the internet has brought us a lot of hope and tips on how to keep this continued trauma from ruining our lives.

Hard-Wired to Bounce Back

Written by a social worker who specializes in resiliency, this is a good summary of the research, with practical suggestions for strengthening characteristics that increase resiliency.

Helping Children Through: Several Links

I imagined what I would do if I was in Watertown this morning, keeping my kids inside…what would I tell them? How do you balance honesty, teaching common sense caution, while not terrifying your children?

Robyn Gobbel, MSW, works with families and children who have been traumatized. Here are her suggestions for helping children cope.

Talking to Children About Disasters: From the American Psychiatric Associatio

Tips for Resilience in the Face of Horror

Fred Rogers Company: At the bottom of this page, there are some good tips for parents. I especially like the one about letting your kids know if you’re donating or providing a service in response to the trauma, and letting them be a part of it.

Coping with Traumatic Stress

I have a background in crisis management, and was trained as a Critical Incident Stress Debriefer. The primary thing was to get people to talk about their experience. We need to talk about it, and be heard. We need to talk about it more than once, usually. Find people to talk to, people who will hear you.

Emotional Recovery After a Disaster

Stephen Joseph, Ph.D., has written a book, “What Doesn’t Kill Us: The New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth.” He goes over research on people who have become stronger, who have found new meaning after trauma:

Is it trauma or is it a negative attitude towards expression of emotion that causes PTSD? 

Collection of links on posttraumatic growth, including some TED talks and interviews. 

Staying Hopeful

I remember, after 9/11, reading the famous quote by Fred Rogers: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

Bottom line: Most people are good and want to help. Most of this world is still beautiful. We have each other. Most of us are trying to raise our children to make this a better world. There is ALWAYS hope. And no hateful people, no bombers, no extremists are going to take that away from us.

(P.S. – I don’t have the original source for the graphic above. If anyone knows where it origina

 

 

 

 

Related articles

• Resilience after trauma
• Turning Things Around: Growth in the Face of Trauma
• The Family Story of Trauma: Ways to Heal the Legacy