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I believe mindfulness is really at the heart of all healing. The ability to observe without judgement just makes everything so much easier. 

My first experience with mindfulness was the opening paragraph of a book where a woman plunges into cold water, voluntarily, for a morning swim. When I first walk into cold water, it’s usually a lake where my sons are begging me to come in, my muscles are clenched, my face is already twisted up and my first reaction is usually “Oh My GOD THIS IS COLD.” It’s unpleasant, to say the least, until I get used to it, and might even involve some under-the-breath swearing.

But in this story, the woman reminds herself that the feeling of the cold water on her skin is just a sensation, not inherently good or bad, and encourages herself to notice the tingling but not to judge it as pleasant or unpleasant.

That idea was completely eye-opening to me. Seriously? You can do that? I started trying it out with other sensations, like music I thought I didn’t like, food I’d already rejected, and especially emotions. I still gasp when I enter a cold pool or lake, but it’s really not as bad as I used to make it.

This all happened in conjunction with a gifted supervisor telling me that my job was to convince clients to be curious about their inner life before judging and trying to change it. The idea that I could describe my emotions without shame and without judgement was a new one, and it has influenced both my life and my professional work forever.

It wasn’t until several years later that I realized all this fits under the umbrella of mindfulness.

Now, I don’t practice mindfulness meditation that often, to be honest. I do practice its teachings daily. Even if you’re convinced you can’t sit still for 15 minutes, here are some on-line resources to help you integrate some mindfulness into your life:

 

Mindfulness Therapy for Phobias

Dr. Peter Strong describes how a structured mindfulness meditation therapy can work on a phobia of spiders. But you can take some of these ideas and apply them to whatever specific thing you’ve attached your anxiety to, whether it’s flying, elevators or snakes.

 

Mindful Eating

I also firmly believe that mindful eating is the way out of disordered eating. This New York Times article describes the path of mindful eating.

It reminds me of the Zen story of the master and student sharing an orange, The student pops a segment in his mouth and reaches for another. The master says, in effect, “Hey, buddy, you haven’t finished the one in your mouth yet. Why are you already going for the next one?” By reaching for the next bite, the student’s not fully experiencing the part he’s eating.

One of my favorite blogs, Zenhabits, also has a quick run-down on how to incorporate mindful eating into your meal. 

 

Mindful Walking

Taking a mindful walk is a really quick way to ground yourself in the here and now. Dr. Salters-Pedneault has written, in About.com’s mental health section, an accessible guide to taking a mindful walk that you can do as soon as you get up from the computer.

 

Mindful Breathing

“I do deep breathing, it doesn’t work,” I hear over and over in my office. Most people have learned to take big breaths to relax, but that’s not really the point of mindful breathing. Yes, breathing into the belly rather than the chest is more relaxing. But it doesn’t stop there. The point of mindful breathing is to pay attention. Pay attention to the breath as it enters your body, and as it leaves. That’s it. Notice the thoughts that come and go, but let them float away and return your attention to the breath. By doing that, we’re honoring the here and now, what’s in this moment, rather than all the fantasy lands our minds want to take us to. And gradually, we get more control over that part of our brain that sometimes feels so out of control.

The above link gives you a good start. If you want a little more variety, try these three exercises from Dr. Andrew Weil.

 

So there you have breathing, eating and walking: Three things you do every day (hopefully). Start simple, and in my experience, mindfulness grows like potted bamboo – easy to grow, easy to take care of, but not taking over everything in your life. Instead, it helps you focus on those things you actually want to focus on. 

Howdy all! Happy Friday!

I’m taking a break from regular blog posting while my boys are on Spring Break. But today’s Full-Color Friday topic is one of my favorites: Positive Psychology, so I don’t want to miss it.

 

 Martin Seligman & Authentic Happiness

 

Martin Seligman, a leader in the field, has lots of resources on his website. Try out some of the questionnaires. I haven’t filled out all of them, and once I do I’ll be back with the ones I think are most helpful. But it’s a good way to start thinking about how to strengthen some of the characteristics associated with happiness.

 

Also: A TED talk I’ve enjoyed by Seligman

 

 

 The Greater Good Institute

 

Out of U.C. Berkeley (Go Bears!) comes a great website full of resources, articles and newsletters. I especially like the  Raising Happiness section by Christine Carter, author of the book by the same name. Sign up for their newsletter for a dose of good news in your in-box.

 

 

 

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi & Flow

 

Csikszentmihalyi, who’s kind of a big deal, introduced us to the idea of “Flow,” or getting so involved with something that time seems to stop. He believes that seeking Flow experiences is what gives meaning to our life, and also helps us cope with trauma and the inherent pain that life brings. Here’s a TED talk where he discusses how he got interested in resiliency, creativity and flow.

 

 

Psychology Today’s Roundup

 

As Positive Psychology gets more popular, that bastion of pop psychology, Psychology Today, has posted quite a few articles about it. As much as we therapists bash Psychology Today for not being academic enough, it really does summarize some key concepts pretty well. And, they have a pretty good directory for finding therapists in  your area.

I’ll be writing more about positive psychology research and how to use it practically. It’s one of my favorite subjects, and I definitely get into the “flow” while talking about it.

Here in northern California, the clouds are breaking up, so I’m going to go out and enjoy the sunshine!

 

 

Related articles

 

 

 

• 5 myths of positive psychology
• Positive Psychology.
• A New Website Designed for Employee Happiness, Zone Positive, is Now in Operation to Promote Flourishing and Productivity in the Workplace
• 10 Ways to the Art of Positive Psychology

 

 

You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming.  ~Pablo Neruda

 

With apologies to my friends who are still under several feet of snow, it’s SPRING! here in California.

My favorite things about Spring:

 

The blooming jasmine. Man, is there a better smell? (Citrus blossoms come close).

 

Longer daylight hours. I realize the days are the same length in the winter, but doesn’t it seem like you have more time when it’s still light out after dinner?

 

Blooming bulbs. I just found out today that there’s this guy who living in the East Bay who opens up his gardens for people to tour. He has 5200 bulbs blooming in his backyard. One of my relatives lives in the Sierra foothills and has a huge daffodil hill by her house, lovingly cultivated over the years. Every year she celebrates the beauty outside her window. Macy’s has their annual flower show this weekend, too.

 

Spring is all about rejuvenation and rebirth. The Spring Equinox has been a time to celebrate rebirth for thousands of years. It’s no coincidence that Christianity’s greatest honoring of rebirth and new life happens around the same time. Here are some ideas for celebrating the new life of Spring:

 

Spring Clean Your Mind

 

What old, dusty thoughts and beliefs are you hanging onto? The traditional spring cleaning of our houses is a ritual that mirrors what we need to to do inside. Open the windows of your mind, let the fresh thoughts in. I love these ideas from the Get Organized Wizard.

 

Another simple idea is to make a list of things you want to let go of. Tear up this paper, and throw it in the recycling. Make a new list, in bright colors, preferably, of things you want to birth in the this season. Put it somewhere you can see it.

 

What have you been putting off? Are there decisions you need to make, friends you need to contact, actions you need to take? Now, in the season of new growth, is the time to commit to making them. Add these to your list.

 

Bring Flowers Inside

 

Pick your favorite spring flower – tulips, daffodils, freesia – and bring some inside. Let the scent remind you of the energy that all living things spread to whatever’s around them. What energy/scent do you want to spread?

 

Plan Your Garden

 

Even the smallest balcony can hold a container or two. If you don’t have a balcony, ask the apartment manager if you can put a few containers somewhere on the property. Promise to share the tomatoes with them. Plant some small herb pots on your windowsill and watch them grow.

 

Dance

 

Most cultures celebrate the turn of the seasons from Winter to Spring with rituals, and almost all of them involve some sort of dancing. Remember the Maypole? If you can dance outside, so much the better. Put on some happy music and move. Barbara Bizou lists some other ways you can celebrate Spring with rituals.

 

The wheel of the year turns surely and slowly, and we are at our best when we honor its rhythms. Spring is a time for newness, for letting go of the heavy cloak of winter and going barefoot. What’s your favorite way to celebrate Spring?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Contrary to popular opinion, psychotherapists do not have it all together all the time. Doing therapy and doing life are completely different skill sets. I’ve learned a lot about myself and how to be happy from being a therapist, but I get sidetracked and overwhelmed as much as anybody else.

Hence, this week’s theme for Full-Color Friday: Self-Care. When I find myself feeling exhausted and cranky, I know there are some steps I need to take to get back on track.

1. Sleep

I got an iPad as a birthday/Christmas present last year, and it’s awesome. It’s also keeping me up later, as I love to snuggle in the covers of my bed and browse blogs and especially Pinterest. Not good. I’m fiercely protective of my sleep, and with two boys who have to get off to school in the morning, sleeping later in the morning is not an option.

Unfortunately, the blue light that electronics emit are disruptive to sleep patterns. So, goodnight iPad. I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to turn you off by 9pm. It’s back to books for me.

2. Exercise

I have to learn, over and over, that getting my heart rate up regularly helps my sleep, helps my brain and helps my mood. I absolutely know this to be true, but when I’m busy, exercise tends to be the first thing to go.

And I know I’m not the only one.

I don’t need research to tell me this, I’ve experienced it. But in case you’re wondering, here’s an article on research that suggests exercising your body also helps your brain functions.  

3. Time in Nature

This isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but being around green things, trees, trails, or even just working in the garden, is tremendously peaceful for me.

If you’re looking for trails near you, try Rails-to-Trails. They work to convert unused rail lines into trails, and have a Trail Finder on their website to help you find what’s close to you.

4. Mindfulness

The longer I do therapy, the more I’m convinced that mindfulness is the key to life. As Jung said, our neuroses really arise from our inability to tolerate pain. Pain is part of life and we’re not going to change that. But, our ability to tolerate life’s ebbs and flows are increased incredibly when we practice mindfulness.

Put simply, mindfulness is the practice of bringing oneself into the present moment. For example, in this moment, I have a roof over my head. I’ve eaten, so I’m not hungry. My kids are safe, my husband is safe, everyone I love is safe in this moment. Everything’s as it should be, in this moment. I notice where my thoughts go, but I’m not attached to them.

Mindfulness practice helps you have some distance from thoughts and feelings so that they don’t overwhelm you. Thoughts and feelings are bits of information, but they’re not facts. If you have some distance from them, you can evaluate them more clearly.

It’s called a practice because it takes practice. There are so many benefits, and because it’s getting more mainstream attention, there are many resources out there, too.

Holistic Benefits of Mindfulness

Mindfulness Exercises for Everyday Life

Practicing Mindfulness

Mindfulness Podcasts from UCLA

 

Today I’m doing some mindful housekeeping, because I have a hard time relaxing unless my home’s in order (this seems to be something that came upon me in my 40’s. I certainly had no problem relaxing among chaos in my teens and 20’s).

I’m going to seed some new vegetables, get some sun on my face, and listen to the birds. I’ll put on some mellow music and prepare dinner early.

Then I’ll go pick the boys up from school and I’ll see if I’m still cranky and exhausted. I’m pretty sure I won’t be.

 

More posts like this from my colleagues:

Self-Care Isn’t Selfish from Rachelle Norman

Walking My Walk from Allison Andrews, Psy.D. ‘

Self-Care When Things Aren’t Perfect from Ann Becker-Schutte,

Do-it-Yourself Self Care Blog Hop at James and Jax

 

When you can’t take yourself away for a week-long spa retreat, what do you do to take care of yourself? How do you know when you need to?

 

I interrupt the regularly scheduled writing on the character traits of happy people to bring you this newsflash: Not everyone has to agree with you.

In fact, many people probably won’t. And that’s fine. Don’t take it personally. More importantly, don’t take their judgments as fact. YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary.

Barista at Starbucks was snarky to you? It’s probably not about you. Don’t let it ruin your day.

Other mothers giving you the stinkeye because you’re on your iPhone answering work e-mails while at the playground? Shrug.

Now, I’m saying this to myself as much as I am to you. I, too, want people to approve of me. I also like it when someone else tells me they think I’m a good mom. I, too, take exception when someone puts down something/music/movie/WHATEVER I love.

But that’s not doing me any good. It’s not doing you any good, either.

The initial reaction is normal. But you don’t have to get attached to it. You can think, “OK, but do I really care what they think? Am I going to let it determine my behavior? Do I really think I’m doing something wrong here?”

If the answer is no, LET IT GO. No more energy should go to it. Don’t take it personally. My favorite of the Four Agreements is “Don’t take anything personally.” Remember, YMMV.

The happiest people in my office (yes, happy people come see me, too) are the ones who are OK with their friends and co-workers being different, having different opinions, lifestyles, and paces.

They don’t feel their friends need to change to suit them, and more importantly, they don’t feel they need to change to suit their friends. To each his own, and all that.

It’s a really important ability to cultivate. I think it’s one of the most important.

 

 Part 9 of a 10-part series on the characteristics of happy people

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” 
– Mahatma Ghandi

I know most teachers do their best to promote a love of learning in their students, but I found that the Montessori method really encouraged my kids to explore what they were interested in. Whenever they started a new unit, my son would want to go to the library and get whatever extra books on the subject he could find. He’d also take a small notebook out to our backyard to observe and make notes. He started a classroom newspaper, encouraged by the teachers, detailing what flowers were blooming outside and which ones were fading (my husband and I referred to this, tongue-in-cheek, as “The Dead Flower Report”).

Something happens to us as adults, and it’s like we think that we’re done with learning just for the fun of it. We go to work, do our jobs, come home, do chores and fall into a stupor in front of the TV, until it’s time to go to bed. Then we wake up and do the same thing all over again. Most of us don’t think we have time to explore new interests, or, as I can attest to, our brains just feel too tired and full sometimes.

But can you remember what it felt like to be really interested in something? To forget that time was passing, and to just want to know more?

When was the last time you heard yourself say, “Hey, I learned something interesting today….”

Continuing to learn keeps our brains active and healthy, our minds engaged and our spirits up.

Of course, I know you don’t have time right now to take another class. Maybe you have no interest in going back to school at all. But there has to be some subject that catches your interest.

Many of the happiest retirees are the ones who use their new freedom to learn new things, whether it’s a new skill like painting, or a language.

Sometime, maybe when you’re waiting in line, instead of pulling out your phone to check your e-mail, let your mind wander….if time and money were no object, what would you like to learn more about? Politics, culture, art? Science?

Make a list for yourself. You may not have time to go pursue a degree in these subjects right now, but you could find some interesting websites that have more information. You could probably find a book at the library on one of them. Or listen to a podcast.

It will not only make you more interested, it will also make you more interesting.

 

 

Basketball Player Tosses Ball to Mentally Challenged Player on the Other Team

Here’s one of my favorite recent examples of kindness. How proud would you be if any of these kids were yours?

Helping Ducks Cross a Busy Road

One time in the car, my husband, an extremely kind guy, called out for me to pull over. A duck and her babies cross the road, but one tiny duckling couldn’t get up over the curb and so was stranded. He jumped out of the car, ran over and scooped the duckling up on the curb. Here, a group of strangers get together to help some ducks cross a road.

21 Pictures That will Restore Your Faith in Humanity

This is one of my favorite Buzzfeed articles of all time. I turn to it when I’ve read too many inane comments on the internet and begin to suspect that all humanity is doomed:

Softball players Carry Opponent Around Bases

She hit a home run, but tore a ligament at first base. Regulations said that her own team couldn’t help her, so the other team did.

People Help Beached Dolphins

I can’t believe I’ve never seen this before. An entire school of dolphins beaches itself, and bystanders join together to drag them back to the water. Very cool.

 

Light ‘Em Up – Families Light Up the Community with Kindness

And, last but not least, a huge list of acts of kindness you can do alone or with your kids. It’s Christmas-themed, because this blogger publishes this list at the holidays, but most of the ideas are good year-round.

 

 

 

 

Related articles

• Ducklings fall through storm grate
• Dolphin Pod Saves Woman and Her Dog From Drowning

(Part 8 of a 10-part series on character traits of happy people)

“This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Our own mind, our own heart is the temple. Our philosophy is simple kindness.”
― Dalai Lama XIV

When my children were babies, of course I had all kinds of hopes for them, but the one that I remember most was my hope that they would be kind. 

Not everyone is.

Research tells us that most children have an innate kind side, and can feel empathy even as infants. But, as we all know, they also have a super-selfish side. Evolutionarily speaking, this is a matter of self-preservation: If I give you all my Cheerios, I won’t have any for myself and I might die.

So why do some people find it easy to overcome that self-preservation instinct and act with generosity instead? And why are some people just not very kind?

I think people, in general, look at the world in terms of scarcity vs. abundance. Do you tend to think there’s never enough to go around? Do you always feel cheated out of what’s rightfully yours? Do you see others as competition for the goal? How many times do you hear yourself say, “Why should I help him out? He’s never done anything for me.” Is your life based on tit-for-tat record-keeping?

Or, do you tend to think we’ll all get farther if we work together? Are you grateful for the small kind things done for you and so want to pay it forward?

And those attitudes, like so many things, go back to our childhood. Were your needs met as a kid? Were your parents generally kind to you? Did they model kindness towards other people?

Kindness, like our biceps, is a muscle that needs exercising. Once your attitude of kindness is healthy and strong, it is so much easier to use it.

Try this for a week: Find one kind thing a day to do for someone else and do it. Don’t announce it, don’t ask for thanks, don’t look for praise. Just do it. It can be as simple as putting your neighbor’s garbage cans back for them. See what happens. My guess is you’ll continue to do it, if not every day, at least more often. And, according to the research, making the world a kinder place will contribute significantly to your own happiness.

Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon on Flickr – he’s posted the story that goes with it.

I came across some interesting articles in this week’s research that I thought I’d share with you:

The Neuroscience of Beauty: The same part of the brain that appreciates Michelangelo’s transformations of marble are also responsible for processing pain and disgust. That was unexpected.

Awe Actually Slows Down Time: Experiences of awe makes us feel like we have more time, leading us to be more generous and patient.

There are thousands of websites that claim to catalog awe-inspiring things. Here are a few I think actually do:

45 Awe-Inspiring Landmarks

Tumblr:  Tumblr posts tagged “Awe-inspiring.” Some great photos. And an Avengers GIF.

15 Awe-Inspiring Gingerbread Houses  Self-explanatory.

What is the most awe-inspiring fact you know?  Snarkiness aside, a fun conversation about the facts that blow people’s minds.

 

Related articles

• Three Places I Can’t Stop Visiting on the Internet Right Now
• Neuromarketing: Tapping into the “Pleasure Center” of Consumers
• Neuroscience Startup Launches Transcend, an App That Will Improve Your Meditation – Techvibes.com

Part 7 of a 10-part series on the characteristics of happy people

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.”  – W.B. Yeats

I was surprised to find that, according to the University of Zurich research I’ve been writing about, “appreciation of beauty” was in the second half of characteristics of happy people. I expected it to rank higher, but I’m thinking that if you don’t have the top traits, maybe it’s hard to appreciate beauty.

It’s defined, according to Chris Peterson and Martin Seligman, as the “ability to find, recognize, and take pleasure in the existence of goodness in the physical and social worlds.”

That’s pretty broad. They break down this “goodness” as being one of three different types:

1. Physical or auditory: music, birds singing, fine art.

2. Skill or talent: athletic skill, performers of any type

3. Virtue or moral goodness: charitable works, kindness.

Shock and Awe

According to this article, awe is the emotion most often associated with this trait. Awe isn’t an emotion we think about very often. It’s not on any of the “What Do You Feel Today?” posters I had in my play therapy room, but it should be.

As I think about the elders in my life, those I’m most inspired by are the ones who, after 80+ years, can still find awe around them.

Several years ago, I took my in-laws to the Legion of Honor in San Francisco, a properly awe-worthy place. They were impressed by the art, but what caught my father-in-law’s attention was the guy cleaning the fountain out front. He struck up a conversation with him, as he is wont to do, and must have asked him 20 questions about how he was cleaning the fountain. My mother-in-law was annoyed by the wait, since it’s a pretty frequent occurrence for her to end up waiting while he chats someone up.

He has an engineering background and found whatever the guy was doing fascinating. (I confess that I have no idea what he found fascinating because I was chasing a toddler around at the same time).

I loved the sculptures, he loved the mechanics of cleaning the fountain. The point is to find what you think is awe-worthy and surround yourself with it.